subscribe to rss Air Force One (1997)
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AIR FORCE ONE
Review by Chad J. Shonk |
The
following is a transcript from a story meeting held by the producers
of AIR FORCE ONE sometime in mid-1996. The names have been changed
to protect the uninspired. Out of respect for the artform,
everything else has remained the same.
EXEC1: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. This is our sixth annual Big Ass
Summer Blockbuster Meeting. As you know, the summer of ’97 is going
to be a hot one. Spielberg’s got that new dinosaur movie coming out.
Who would have pegged Jeff Goldblum as an action
hero?
EXEC2:
No shit. Judaism’s first superhero.
EXEC3:
He’s the “Last Action Hebrew”.
All
Laugh.
EXEC1: Okay, like I was saying, LOST
WORLD comes out Memorial Day, so we want to aim for later summer,
kind of like the end of July or something. Now, is anybody worried
about SPEED 2?
Silence.
EXEC1: I didn’t think so. Now sometime in
June we have this MEN IN BLACK thing. Who’s putting that out
again?
EXEC2: Amblin.
EXEC1: Damnit! Speilberg
again?;
EXEC2: Yes sir.
EXEC1: Well, that automatically qualifies
it as a big hit. A buddy movie with an older white cop and a younger
black one. Kind of like LETHAL WEAPON in reverse.
EXEC3: Richard Donner’s a pussy. All Laugh.
EXEC1: I wish we coulda thought of that
one. Buddy movies make big money. Are jews just naturally more
creative? Silence.
EXEC2: That was rhetorical, wasn’t it,
sir?
EXEC1: Yes. Anyway, I was wondering if
you guys have any ideas for a summer blockbuster. We haven’t had one
in a while, and I think this will be our last try before old Larry
Levy comes in and takes our jobs.
EXEC3: I’ve got an
idea.
EXEC1: I’m all ears.
EXEC3: Well, I read this excellent script
the other day. It’s about this guy out of
Florida–
EXEC1: Oh, a Cuban mafia
story?
EXEC3: No. Anyway, it’s about this
beekeeper–
EXEC1: Ah, killer bees! I like
it!
EXEC3: No, not killer bees. It’s this
touching story about a man trying to keep his family together
and–
EXEC1: Good lord, man! Are you trying to
tank us?
EXEC3: But it already has a star
attatched to it.
EXEC1: Willis? Clooney?
Banderas?
EXEC2: Ooh, I LOVED him in
EVITA.
EXEC1: Shut the fuck up.
EXEC3: Actually, Peter Fonda wants the
role.
EXEC1: Fonda? He hasn’t made a good movie
since…oh, what was that one about the
bikes…DELIVERANCE?
EXEC2: That was EASY RIDER,
sir.
EXEC1: Same thing.
Next!
EXEC2: What about a terrorist movie? You
know, with a hostage situation and lots of riveting action
sequences?
EXEC1: And we’d have to throw in a really
cool European villian.
EXEC3: They already did that. It was
called DIE HARD.
EXEC2: Okay, so we set it on a plane. The hero
can run around the plane in flight knocking off terrorists.
EXEC1: I like it. Danger at 30,000
feet.
EXEC3: They already did that. Twice. Didn’t
work either time. Once with Wesley Snipes and once with Ray
Liotta.
EXEC1: The boxer?
Silence.
EXEC2: It’s not important. Well, if they’ve
done the trapped on a plane bit twice, but badly, why not do a good
one?
EXEC3: Doesn’t CON AIR come out next
summer?
EXEC1: What’s that?
EXEC3: Jerry Bruckheimer’s new
boom-fest.
EXEC1: Bruckheimer. Fuck. I hate that son of a
bitch.
EXEC3: He doesn’t like you either. Not since
you got blitzed at Don Simpson’s funeral.
EXEC1: So did everyone
else!
EXEC3: Yeah, but you puked on the
coffin.
Silence.
EXEC1: All right, if Fuckheimer is going to do
a trapped-on-a-plane-with-terrorists flick, then so will I. But we
need a new angle.
EXEC2: Hey, we could set it on Air Force
One.
EXEC3: The president’s
plane?
EXEC1: Can Clinton act?
EXEC2: We’ll get a fictional president.
EXEC1: Okay, but he’ll have to be the kind of
president that everyone will like, Republican or Democrat. Almost
too good to be true.
EXEC3: So kind of like that Rob Reiner
movie?
EXEC1: Who?
EXEC2: Meathead.
EXEC1: Oh, God. I miss that
show.
EXEC3: So basically we’re talking about DIE
HARD meets PASSENGER 57 meets THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT.
EXEC1: With a little of IN THE LINE OF FIRE. I
love that Secret Service stuff.
EXEC2: That’s a good idea.
EXEC1: It sure was. Wish I’d thought of that
one. I love the scene where John Malko–
EXEC2: No, you blithering idiot. Wolfgang
Peterson. He’d be perfect to direct it.
EXEC3: You really think we can get the director
of DAS BOOT to do something as generic as this?
EXEC2: Everyone has a price.
EXEC1: Not me.
All laugh.
EXEC1: What do we call it?
EXEC2: Well, sir, the recent trend seems to be
simplicity. People don’t want a title to be confusing or misleading.
EXEC1: Yeah. You know, I went and saw that
little piece of shit CHASING AMY, and not one goddamn girl in that
movie was named Amy. I’ll never understand those indie punks.
EXEC2: People like simple titles like VOLCANO,
TWISTER, SPEED, you know, stuff like that.
EXEC3: Stupid shit like
that.
EXEC1: Shut the fuck up.
EXEC3: What about AIR FORCE
ONE?
EXEC1: Yeah, that’s the plane it’s on. We’re
past that, we’re on to titles now.
EXEC2: No, that’s it! AIR FORCE ONE is the
title.
EXEC1: Ah, I get it. The plane is Air Force
One, so the title is AIR FORCE ONE. How novel!
EXEC3: Your deductive powers never cease to
amaze me.
Silence.
EXEC1: So, who should star in my production of
AIR FORCE ONE? Who would make an ideal
president?
EXEC2: Harrison Ford.
EXEC3: Harrison Ford.
EXEC1: Agreed. Now, just one last thing. At the
end of the movie, should the President kill the terrorist or should
the bad guy get away, maybe after killing the First Lady or
something?
Silence.
EXEC1: That was a joke.
All laugh.
A blockbuster is born.
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