BATMAN AND ROBIN 1997, dir. Joel Schumacher 125 min. Rated PG-13. Starring: George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, The Governator, Nipples. Review by Bobby

Part One: Just Worth Mentioning

“BATMAN AND ROBIN has the same feel as the last Batman movie — it’s as if the entire film is set inside an art-deco garbage disposal. Most of the action seems to be performed by stunt doubles, so it’s like watching a Batman on Ice spectacular at Madison Square Garden; my precocious seven-year-old, Mitchell Sean, kept asking me, ‘If Batman is smart enough to build the Batcave and the Batmobile, why doesn’t he hire a decent director?'” – Libby Gelman-Waxner

Now even though the column this is from in Premiere Magazine has a satirical approach to film criticism, truer words have never been written by any film critic. BATMAN AND ROBIN is one of the worst movies ever made in the history of Hollywood. Just the fact that Hollywood execs put crap like this out as a “big summer blockbuster” makes me want to fucking puke. All they’re really doing is exploiting you by flashing their shiny, candy-coated penises at your children. So in turn they are also exploiting your kids. The kids want to see it because it looks neat and because it’s Batman and you take them to see it because you want to please your kids. Any adult that has interest in this movie is either

A) Really fucking stupid;

B) Retarded; or

C) A comic book fan (which is a totally different situation which shall be discussed later.)

I mean, what kid of parents are you? You’re terrible, terrible parents. This is child abuse. Utter child abuse. You have kids and you sit them in front of the television and that is where they stay except to go to the bathroom or the refridgerator. And because of this Joel Schumacher makes really bad movies about day-glo Batman which he knows will make all the goblins around the world drool like a fucking Saint Bernard. And what do the parents do? They give up all hope for their children, throw away any sense of goodness, any morality that they may have had and take their kids to see this movie.

Part 2: The Many things wrong with BATMAN AND ROBIN

1. Joel Schumacher. Words really can’t describe how much this man sucks. Bob Kane is rolling over in his grave and he’s not even dead yet.

2. George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell. Let’s just put it like this: they did as much good for BATMAN AND ROBIN as Joel Schumacher did. They all did less than none. They did negative good things. (Note: Alicia Silverstone and Uma Thurman were equally as bad but they do get credit because they are both really hot chicks and that means something.)

3. Nipples.

4. Ice skates.

5. Stuff that glows for no apparent reason.

6. I’m just gonna sum this up by saying I can’t find any redeeming qualities in this movie (besides Alicia Silverstone, who sucked too but was still Alicia Silverstone and could be doing anything at all and I’d watch.) Of course, I hear SPAWN is worse.

Part 3: I like Batman. I like the Batman comic. Joel Schumacher takes it in the ass by large walruses. What went wrong?

I’ve been a Batman fan for a long time. I was there when Frank Miller changed him forever with The Dark Knight Returns. I was there when Robin died. And yes, I was there when the first BATMAN movie came out. Most Batman fans I know liked it. I liked it. Tim Burton…Michael Keaton…It wasn’t perfect but it was probably the best Batman movie that could be made. I had no real complaints. It held faithful to the comic (except, of course, for Billy Dee.) It reminded me of the comic. Then came BATMAN RETURNS. Not as good as the first, and Tim Burton did stretch a few things a bit into his own world, but it was still acceptable. Good, great, grand, wonderful, no yelling on the bus!

Then came the downfall of Batman as we knew him: Joel Schumacher. BATMAN FOREVER is not even worth talking about. The really incredible thing is how he can make another sequel after that and you know what? It’s even worse! Batman doesn’t deliver one-liners, he doesn’t have ice skates on his boots, he doesn’t have many different costumes in in many amazing colors, et cetera, et cetera. For some reason Joel “fuckhead” Schumacher is still caught up in the 60’s where Adam West is still Batman. I heard he actually thought about putting the POW! and ZAP! balloons in. I never saw a Batman comic where he had nipples either. I mean, what the fuck is that? Schumacher said he wanted to “lighten” Batman up a little bit but if this happens then you lose what Batman is all about.

One last thing: Batgirl. Fine, Batgirl. Is it so hard to make her Barbara Gordon? I mean, is it really that difficult? Man, Joel Schumacher sucks.

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