So something like this needs to be prefaced, so here it goes. I think that on the Mount Rushmore of filmmakers, the giant granite faces would be thusly: Alfred Hitchcock, Akira Kurosawa, Orson Welles, and Martin Scorsese. In that geekily fictional monument, I see Scorsese as Teddy Roosevelt. The overly talkative, sharply dressed, weird looking, progressive reformer. Being that those other three fellas are dead, Scorsese easily earns the prize as the world’s greatest living filmmaker. I worship at his altar; I would have like ten million of his babies. I would give him unbelievable amounts of sloppy sloppy head. Not because I find him physically attractive, but, as Henry Hill would say “out of respect.”

That being said, I’m about to put down The Departed a little.

Not a lot. I really liked The Departed. It’s a really good movie. But I’m a little frustrated by the media coverage of it, as well as the multiple Oscar nominations it received. You see, The Departed is a remake. Not everyone knows that, I guess. I mean, they should, but I often find myself having to inform people of this.

I, in general, do not like remakes. Not for a lot of the obvious reasons, but for one very specific one, which was well put to the test while watching The Departed.

The Departed is a remake of a 2002 Hong Kong action film called Infernal Affairs. Not “InTernal” but “InFernal.” It is a great fucking movie. Directed by Andy Lau and Sui Fai Mak, starring Lau and my favoritist actor in the whole-wide-world, Tony Leung Chiu Wai, was a box office smash in Hong Kong, spawning two sequels on its way to becoming The Godfather of Cantonese language films. Its cat and mouse tale of a cop undercover as a mobster chasing a mobster undercover as a cop is a bitching treatment of a well-worn genre.

Infernal Affairs is a better film than The Departed. It is leaner, more energetic, more stylish, and, for my money, much more intense. I’ve learned that which one of these fine films you like better really depends on which one you see first. I saw Infernal Affairs a few years ago, and I own the 8-disc Hong Kong only DVD boxed set for all three films.

Watching The Departed, I was left cold. Why? Because it is a BEAT FOR BEAT remake of the Chinese film. Entertainment Weekly a few weeks ago called The Departed “loosely based” on Infernal Affairs. FUCK YOU. IT IS BEAT FOR FUCKING BEAT. O Brother Where art thou? is LOOSELY based on The Odyssey. You can even say The Lion King is LOOSELY based on “Hamlet.” But these two movies are the same thing.

Sure. Screenwriter William Monahan does a fantastic job taking the original story and transplanting it into Boston. And creating distinctly American characters to fill out the roles. But all those great twists and turns in the film, all those great moments of suspense that had people on the edges of their seats, they belong to Andy Lau. Despite the fantastically A-list cast that it has, the star of The Departed is the story. And the story has already been done.

The other thing bothering me is this. Critics have been hailing this film as Martin Scorsese’s “return to form.” Again, I say FUCK YOU. One news source called it his “best film since Goodfellas”. Well, by my count, he’s made 3 or 4 films better than The Departed since 1990. I think The Aviator is a much better film in its performances and filmmaking. Don’t think so? Fine.

But don’t tell me this is a return to form. This is one 70s filmmaker who never really lost his fucking form. Do they say this because it’s a gangster film? Scorsese has directed 20 feature length fictional films and a half a dozen or so documentaries. 3. Count ‘em, THREE gansgster pictures. Mean Streets. Goodfellas. Casino. Four if you count The Departed. Taxi Driver is not a mob movie. Neither is Raging Bull. He has made lush period romances and dark comedies and religious epics and Hollywood thrillers and even a fucking musical.

If Marty wins the Oscar this year, it will be for his body of work, not for this film. It will be to make up for the clusterfucks of losing to Robert Redford in 1980 and Kevin Costner in 1990 and Clint Eastwood in 2004. And I will cheer. I will applaud. I will be happy for my hero. And William Monahan will win for ‘Best Adapted Screenplay’ and I will cheer and applaud, for I believe him to be a truly gifted screenwriter (for proof of this, rent the ASTOUNDING Director’s cut of Ridley’s Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven).

But PLEASE watch the original Infernal Affairs. It is a movie that deserves your time. I think all three of them are getting a U.S. DVD release the same day as The Departed. If there’s a point to this rant, this is it. Check out the original. In a movie culture where everything is a remake or a TV adaptation or a sequel, I just wanted to give some love to a work of real originality that is being overshadowed by its bigger American remake.

Okay. I’m outta here. Next time I’ll tell you why you should be watching more Korean movies.

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