Holy shit. I almost forgot to do an article for Independence Day. Between working four in a row this past weekend and being excited about my blog‘s theme for next week I overlooked it until Monday night. Granted, that left me plenty of time to get it done, but I thought I was finished with this week’s stuff.

The inspiration for this article comes from the All-American Movie Roulette we’re hosting this weekend. We have kind of a low-key movie night from time to time, and I had the idea at the last one to have everybody bring a movie that fits a certain theme and we’d just throw them all in a bag a watch whatever got pulled out. I’m sure it isn’t an original concept and it might not even be a good one (we’ll see), but I’m fairly proud of it right now.

These aren’t necessarily movies about patriotism or America’s greatness, they’re just movies that I think are specifically appropriate to this weekend. Movies that, while you’re watching them, will inspire you to say, “America… fuck, yeah!”

13 – National Treasure (2004)

Thanks to Smitty for this one (he even remembered the release date; I thought it came out earlier) – I don’t know why the fuck I didn’t think of it. Regardless of your opinion of Nicholas Cage (he’s one of my favorite actors); this is a great, fun movie that pays homage to a lot of the great history of America and her mysteries. As somebody who initially dismissed this one I can tell you to check it out if you haven’t seen it.

12 – Navy SEALS (1990)

Charlie Sheen, Bill Paxton and Michael Biehn team up to kick some terrorist ass in this movie about badasses doing badass stuff.

11 – Independence Day (1996)

I cribbed this from Gnoll’s suggestions. Not only is it a big, huge movie starring America’s favorite son, Will Smith, it is also a movie starring all of America (and the rest of the world, but mostly US) teaming up to beat the shit out of some aliens. And I fucking hate aliens.

10 – Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

The first movie about John Rambo was actually somewhat of an indictment on America and the people’s treatment of veterans. The second movie took some shots at American politics, but was mainly about the most awesome American soldier of all time – John J. Rambo – killing the fuck out of a bunch of Soviets and Vietnamese.

9 – Top Gun (1986)

It’s old hat by now to claim that Top Gun is some sort of metaphor for male homosexuality. I mean, it totally is, but I don’t feel I need to cover it here when it has been done so well elsewhere:

Regardless of where Maverick (or Tom Cruise, for that matter) parks his pecker at the end of the day; Top Gun is still a Great American Movie.

8 – Hot Shots! (1991)

That’s right – I followed Top Gun up with the movie that directly parodies it (and other big-budget military action movies of the 80’s); but that’s just how I roll. You can’t deny that Jim Abrahams’ film is every bit the good, old-fashioned American-style tale that Top Gun is, only with Charlie Sheen instead of Tom Cruise. If every movie had Charlie Sheen in it, this country would be that much better.

7 – Rocky IV (1985)

Man, 1985 was a great year for movies. Specifically it was a great year for Sylvester Stallone, as his two highest grossing movies – this one and Rambo – were both released. Obviously you all know this movie is about Rocky Balboa punching the entire Soviet Union in the face. It’s a wonder Stallone wasn’t voted King of America in the late 80’s. It’s probably because of that pussy speech about everybody getting along at the end. It’s what got Rambo sent to Afghanistan three years later.

6 – The Delta Force (1986)

Chuck Norris, anybody? How about some Lee Fucking Marvin to go with your Norris? Holy shit is this a movie about the United States of America kicking ass and taking names. When I saw this thing back in the eighties, I wanted to be Chuck Norris. I started trying to grow a beard when I was eleven. Fuck all those internet memes and t-shirts about Norris. This movie is the real shit.

5 – Coming To America (1988)

This is probably Eddie Murphy’s finest hour. No other Murphy vehicle has such a broad appeal and has endured for so long. It’s easy to just sit back and enjoy the comedy, but like the other movies on this list Coming To America is a statement about the country and the way of life. It’s a loving message that pokes fun at the same time.

4 – Spies Like Us (1985)

“Did you hear that?”
“Yeah. It’s a dickfer.”
“What’s a dickfer?”
To pee with.”

The 80’s were absolute fucking gold for former Saturday Night Live cast members. We got more great comedies and action/comedies than any other era in film. I’ve just made a note to do a list of the best of these movies, but for now we’re talking about Spies Like Us – starring Chevy Chase and Dan Akyroyd. This movie is so much a product of 80’s America that I don’t think you could even remake it today. The movie is near-constant laughs and is perhaps the best lampooning of Cold War-era mentality this side of Dr. Strangelove. Plus, it has more quotable exchanges than anything else on this list.

“Every minute you do not tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.”
“Mine or yours?”
“Yours.”
“Damn!”

And of course, the infamous “Doctors” bit featuring Terry Gilliam, of all people. The movie also featured cameos by Frank Oz, Ray Harryhausen, Sam Raimi, Joel Coen and…

Bob Hope!

3 – Team America: World Police (2004)

This is a great movie. Trey Parker and Matt Stone put together not only an absolutely hilarious hard-R comedy, but also an incredibly strong political statement about the very nature of America, its history and our nation’s place in the world. Which is weird, because it features puppets performing various sex acts and puking.

2 – Red Dawn (1984)

I can’t remember if Darth Pete suggested this or if I just know he loves this movie even more than he loves touching strangers. The man that directed Conan the Barbarian (John Milius) made a movie about American teenagers kicking some fucking Russkie ass. That should have been the movie’s tagline. If watching this movie doesn’t give you a big ol’ red-white-and-blue boner, then you are obviously a gay Muslim Communist sheepfucker. Patrick Swayze in this movie is why dudes had such a hard time dealing with Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing. And Holy Shit! I just read that Milius is doing a video game about North Korea invading the U.S. that sounds just like Red Dawn. Holy shit. The game is called Homefront and is being released by Kaos Studios early next year. Not only that, but this movie also features Charlie Sheen. What the fuck could possibly keep a John Milius movie featuring the power combo of Swayze and Sheen (not to mention Lea Thompson, who used to be hot before that terrible TV show) out of the number one spot? One of my favorite movies of all time…

1 – Captain America (1990)

“Wait just a darned minute,” you might be saying to yourself right now. “That movie doesn’t come out until next year, and might not even be any good!” Well, hold on there, grizzlebiscuit, because I’m not talking about the big-budget Cap movie starring the Human Torch. I’m talking about the no-budget crapfest starring Matt Salinger! I absolutely, positively love this movie. It is not good in any sense of the word, but it is one of the most entertaining films I have ever seen. It has never been officially released on DVD, but you can find it for sale at pretty much any comic convention you go to. I highly recommend you track it down if you haven’t seen it and watch it with friends. Where else are you going to see the Sentinel of Liberty fake throwing up so he can steal an old man’s truck? Seriously.

Until next time, stay creepy
-Phantom