Is this gay? Maybe a little, but somehow TB and I stumbled across the concept during a phone conversation about Skype. It seemed really funny at the time, and what with the king of dick jokes being kicked off a plane for his unseemly girth I thought it a timely topic. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch. Regardless, here’s your penises:

10 – Malcolm McDowell – A Clockwork Orange (1971)

For many of us, this was our first major motion-picture exposure to a wiener. It was shocking, but when you consider all of the other fucked up shit going on in Kubrick’s crazy little movie it just didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Hence, Mr. McDowell’s junk opens our list at number ten. It is weird to meet someone you’ve seen naked. Especially a dude.

9 – Kevin Bacon – Wild Things (1998)

TB came up with this one. I vaguely remember it, but I’m pretty sure there were more than six degrees of Kevin Bacon! HA! Sorry. I do know this one was a shocker at the time, kind of like Jessica Biel whipping her titties out for Powder Blue – I get that you wanted to do it and get it over with, but for Powder Blue? Really?

8 – Devastator – Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

I don’t know how to write about this. I understand that it was an implied set of testicles and not an actual twig and berries, but it was one of the most shocking appearances of junk ever. And you know what? It was really fucking funny until the idiots ham-handedly had John Turturro point ‘em out. Oh, and you can buy these here.

7 – Ken Jeong – The Hangover (2009)

Like a button in a fur coat or a peanut in a bird’s nest, Ken Jeong’s diminutive man-parts made a hilarious appearance in The Hangover. Jeong may not top the list, but he certainly is the bravest man on it. To combine the biggest bush with the smallest wiener takes a lot of balls. Or at least I assume so, since his gigantic junk-fro was concealing whatever undercarriage he might posses.

6 – Jason Segel – Forgetting Sarah Marshall (1994)

Nobody was expecting this schlub wang when it showed up. Kudos to Segel for being brave enough to do it, but boo on him for actually doing it. You can’t unsee cock. I’m not going to lie, though – it made that scene about a billion times funnier.

5 – Weirdo – Salome’s Last Dance (1988)

Easily the most disturbing penis on the list, I’m not even sure who the actor was that stood in for Imogen Millais-Scott during the titular dance, but he has my least favorite penis ever. I saw this movie when I was way too young to be seeing this movie and was enjoying that dance a lot. I actually let out a yelp when that thing flopped out from between the legs of what had mere seconds before been a lovely young woman. To think people are so mad about Lucas and the prequels. What about some hate for Ken Russell? Talk about being scarred…

4 – Mark Wahlberg – Boogie Nights (1997)

I had heard about this scene before I saw it, and I really didn’t believe it until I witnessed it. I think Wahlberg might still insist it was real, but I don’t know. That was a whole lot of wang for one white dude to be packing. I think it was nominated for a best supporting actor award.

3 – Harvey Keitel – Bad Lieutenant (1992)

I so wanted to make this number one, but I realized it just wasn’t anymore. We’ve all seen it. It’s been referenced in other movies. It’s the male-full-frontal equivalent of Kleenex or Coke. I first saw Bad Lieutenant while in the middle of the crime movie phase that everybody goes through; you know – Godfather, Carlito’s Way, Goodfellas – all that stuff. This might actually be the movie that got me out of that phase. It certainly turned me off of Harvey Keitel for a little while. Straight high school dudes just aren’t equipped to deal with too much on-screen dong and between this, Clockwork and Salome; I’d had my fill. So to speak.

2 – Dr. Manhattan – Watchmen (2009)

We could debate over this one. In the end, I’d call you a master debater. Yeah, it’s CGI; but Dr. Manhattan’s Big Blue Cock will not be denied. The fact that this thing was lovingly animated and rendered for a major-release Hollywood movie – based on a fucking comic book, no less! – just makes it all the more deserving of recognition. Anybody who has seen Watchmen will never forget this thing, and isn’t that what Hollywood’s most magical movie moments are all about? Also, the fact that a giant blue dick represents the culmination of decades of special-effects technology is just fucking funny. That’s why Watchmen took so long to make!

1 – Sascha Baron Cohen – Borat (2006)

It was a tough call, but one that had to be made. Cohen’s penis has the most impressive showing out of any on our list. Not only does it get a ridiculous amount of screen time, it is also fully exposed during a high-impact nude wrestling contest with fellow actor Ken Davitian, who looks like a bear. If I had a gold dick-shaped trophy to send Mr. Cohen, I would.

Until tomorrow, stay creepy

-Phantom

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