Hi there! I’m Phantom Troublemaker! I’ve been writing for quite some time on a MySpace blog that four people read, so when Gnoll extended the invitation to write for the great and glorious For The Retarded I jumped at the chance to increase my visibility. Over the coming months I’ll be submitting a combination of exclusive content and republished material – or “Vintage Troublemaker” – for your approval or lack thereof.

I write because I have the time. I have a wretchedly boring job that occurs in twelve hour shifts, so I am somewhat prolific against my will. I want to entertain, but my main motivation is making time go by. This means that there is not much of an editorial process between my brain and my fingers. What you read is pretty much how the thought occurred to me. My facts may not always be right and my tone certainly may not always be nice, but I think it is more fun for everybody if you get honest, unfiltered me. Except, of course, for the fact that I write from under a mask and a silly pseudonym.

I’m not going to lie – I get a little thrill every time my number of blog views goes up on MySpace. I love the thought that I am entertaining people with what I write. If I am making even one person laugh, smile or recall a fond memory with my brain-gibberish; then that is an awesome side effect of how I make the interminable hours go by.

Now that all of that is out of the way, here’s my great idea (communicate via Facebook messages, like fourteen-year-old girls):

Me (1/19/2010 9:38 PM): If you still want me to advise The Retarded, I’d kind of like to start with a best ever and worst ever set of movies. I think that would make a decent introduction to people who haven’t read my stuff (you know – people who aren’t you or Pete or Ryan). I’ll probably start it tonight regardless just because I’ve never done it and think it’s going to be extremely difficult and frustrating.

Gnoll (1/20/2010 12:30 AM): Definitely. Feel free to write whatever – you know what I’m looking for, so pretty much nothing is off limits in the general realm of geekery. I may ask you if I can republish some of your MySpace blogs at some point when I need filler.

So I’m starting with the tough one. It is really difficult to make a list of shitty movies. I’m not talking about gems like Things or The Room. Those entertain the hell out of people, even if it is in a different way than the creators intended. I’m talking about movies that have some quality that is so unpleasant that I wish I had never seen them and hate that they even exist. If you think about it, you probably haven’t seen nearly as many horrible movies as you have awesome movies. Speaking for myself, I try to avoid movies that don’t appeal to me. This cuts down on the amount of movies I see that I don’t like. Therefore, this list was frustrating to create.

I am not including foreign movies or multiple entries from one series or creator. Believe me, I was tempted to just type in “All of Uwe Boll’s movies” and call it a night. These are all movies that saw theatrical release – no SyFy Originals or straight-to-video; nobody should pick on the retarded kid. I’m also not putting these in any specific order other than how they occurred to me, because I hate them all almost equally. I’ve seen most of them only once (for obvious reasons), so forgive me if I overlook some minute detail.

It’s Pat (1994)

There are a lot of movies on this list that I am ashamed to admit having seen. It’s Pat is by far the one I am most ashamed of. My only motivation for seeing this movie when it came out was to find out what Pat was. If you don’t know, Pat is an irritating androgynous character from a series of Saturday Night Live sketches where the guest hosts get to act confused about said character’s gender. I thought the sketch was funny enough the first couple of times, but I never really thought much of Julia Sweeney and was definitely sick of it (Pat) by the time the movie hit. I endured seventy-seven minutes of non-comedy to find out that they don’t reveal Pat’s gender. Oh, HAHAHAHA! What a funny joke on me, you SNL douchebags! This is a situation where the internet would have come in really handy. If you ever encounter some bitter, old person who is bitching about how the internet is full of mind-warping filth, just point out to them that it could have saved thousands of people from having to witness the bubbling pot of shit that is It’s Pat. Not even an appearance by Ween makes this sorry excuse for a comedy worth viewing.

House of the Dead (2003)

This was the first Boll movie I ever saw. It was also the first movie I saw that was so cock-shrivelingly horrible that I actually had to find out who the monster was that directed it (the notorious Dr. Uwe Boll) and how the fuck he got it made (weird German tax laws). I researched this thing. I was actually excited about seeing House of the Dead because I was a fan of the games (even though I suck at them), which involve shooting zombies; and because the trailer actually made it look pretty cool. Whoever made that trailer should be put on turd polishing detail immediately. House of the Dead goes far beyond being a terrible zombie movie – quite an accomplishment in and of itself – it is a despicable example of how somebody who thinks they are totally awesome (Dr. Boll) can be the wrongest person in Wrongville. The story is non-existent, the visuals are incoherent and the effects look like they are straight out of some sort of low-budget theme park production. Oh, and the acting… well, there isn’t any. I have never been so offended by the existence of a movie. Other movies on this list may appeal to certain people who are nothing at all like me, but House of the Dead is a messy disastrophe that is only going to appeal to people who get excited by the thought that their brains might actually be able to tear through their faces and strangle them to death if exposed to something terrible enough. And it is not even the worst of Doctor Uwe Boll’s films. It’s just the first that I saw and, therefore, scarred me more permanently. A stab wound is likely to be much more severe if you’re not expecting it.

Never Been Kissed (1999)

Okay, so I lied when I said It’s Pat was my biggest shame. I actually debated on whether or not I wanted to publicly admit to having seen this wretched vagina-fest. Obviously my viewing of Never Been Kissed was – like most of the misfortune in my life – due to female influence. I’ve been exposed to plenty of romantic comedies in my time and while they may not be my thing, none have offended me more than this Drew Barrymore vehicle. The movie adapts a real-life series of newspaper articles by a reporter who went undercover in some high school to expose teenage glue sniffing or something. In the movie version, though, Barrymore goes undercover to try and get an English teacher fired and to discover that deep down inside she really is a boring loser. David Arquette plays the main character’s brother and – regardless of how you feel about the former WCW champ – is as believable as the “cool kid” as Jessica Biel would be as the “big, hairy, unattractive, giant man”. This movie is stupid and boring and I was truly afraid while watching it that my penis would contract into my body or turn into a vagina or a flower or something. I asked if we could turn Never Been Kissed off at least ten times while we were watching it and my idiot girlfriend kept saying, “No! I want to see if she gets kissed!” What a retard. Oh, and the end where Barrymore’s character kisses the would-be sex offender English teacher on the baseball field is totally gay. That guy should have his nuts cut off. Also of note is the fact that Drew Barrymore is at her most ugly and unappealing in this movie, even when she’s supposed to be hot and popular. This is the movie that took her off my list.

Click! (2006)

I love Adam Sandler comedies and I tend to enjoy his more dramatic movies, as well – most notably Punch-Drunk Love. But I don’t want to be surprised. I went into Click! Expecting a zany comedy, but by the end of the damn thing I wanted to kill myself. It’s kind of like getting down with a really hot chick and then finding out she wants to have her toes sucked. That might be cool with some notice, but if it gets sprung on you in the midst of a good screw, it’s probably going to ruin your good time. There’s no way a movie with the premise of a married schlub being able to control his life via a magic remote control given to him by Christopher Walken (in the “Beyond” section of Bed, Bath and Beyond) should get so depressing. I’m not entirely sure this movie deserves my hatred, but it gets it nonetheless.

The Truman Show (1998)

In another example of a zany comedy being too serious for my taste, The Truman Show was a massive disappointment to me. It was a situation where I didn’t actually see the movie until it came out on video and had been subjected to all the hype for a long time. I still think the story of a guy who is raised from birth as a reality TV show is smart, and probably just as relevant today as it was eleven years ago. I just didn’t think the execution was there. It was really the overhyping that ruined this one for me, but it definitely stands out as a movie that I was thoroughly irritated I had sat through once it was over. It tried and failed to tread a middle ground between screwball humor and a serious exploration of existentialism, exploitation and voyeurism. I could see this being one of my favorite movies if it had leaned hard in either direction, but as far as I am concerned it can be written off as another pile of suck.

A Christmas Story (1983)

There is a good chance I just alienated ninety-nine percent of the people who might be reading this, but I am so fucking sick of Ralphie and his stupid problems that I just don’t care. Yes, there was a time when I loved this movie and considered it a classic like everybody else. But that was before I had seen it approximately 750,000 times. Now I hate even the mention of it. TBS just ruined this one for me.

Patch Adams (1998)

Robin Williams has been in what seems like an unfair number of shitty movies. Patch Adams is the worst. There’s no way you don’t know the plot, but here it is in a nutshell: a sappy doctor promotes socialism and believes in the depths of his soul that laughter is the best medicine. He even dresses up like a clown for his patients! Who die later on! Way to go, idiot. The only bright spot here is that the real Patch Adams apparently thinks Robin Williams is a shithead. At least we can agree on something.

Scream (1996)

I love this movie. I would, however, gladly erase it from existence if it would undo the near decade of imitators that followed. Scream was a great concept and a cleverly executed film that unfortunately led to a seemingly interminable stretch of PG-13 “horror” movies that were totally devoid of gore and titties. And for that, I hate it. If not for Scream, we would never have been exposed to mediocre garbage like I Know What You Did Last Summer (and its sequels), Urban Legend (and its sequels) and Scary Movie (and its sequels); although I’m sure the Wayans brothers would have found other ways to excel at being not funny. I’d have to do more fact-checking than I’m willing to, but I believe the return of real horror did not come until the excellent Chainsaw remake in 2003.

Van Helsing (2004)

It pains me to do this because I consider myself a Stephen Sommers fan. Not to mention Hugh Jackman (although the last Wolverine movie has me questioning that one) and Kate Beckinsdale (that’s two of these fucking terrible movies she’s been in. Click! is the other one). I loved The Mummy movies and Deep Rising. It seemed like this Sommers guy was on my wavelength. I thought Van Helsing was going to be a crazy-ass, balls out Universal Monsters version of Destroy All Monsters. It was not. The story was bad, the casting was questionable, the effects were CGI-riffic and why the fuck did the world’s greatest monster hunter have to turn into a monster at the end to get the job done? This one left me so disappointed. Thankfully, Sommers restored my faith with the awesome GI Joe: Rise of Cobra.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

I am not actually including this movie, so you’re really only getting nine picks. I left this on the list to show how close it came to being utterly worthless but for one saving grace: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull brought us modern age Indy toys, and for that it does not deserve to be wiped out of existence. Otherwise, it is just as big a turd as anything else on here; only possibly even more offensive because it tarnished one of my childhood (and let’s be honest here – adulthood, too) heroes. All those closed-minded, stupid people who shit all over Episodes I through III should have been sent into absolute murderous rage over this one. Han and Luke are still the same. Chewie? Unaffected by Jar-Jar. Leia is still a kickass chick who fucking murdered the galaxy’s most notorious crimelord, regardless of her father’s shitty acting. The Ewoks are still vicious little monsters who were going to fucking eat our heroes. It doesn’t matter if he once rode the most annoying, squawky giant lizard ever; Obi Wan is still a cool, old Jedi when we catch up with him on Tatooine. Arguably more so after what we saw in the first three episodes. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull took a giant dump on the whole world, nay; universe, that Indiana Jones inhabits. It felt like the longest, biggest budget fan trailer ever made, except that the fans have never seen an Indiana Jones movie. The whole alien thing is just totally unacceptable, as are the awful CGI and soundstages. If you want more, I’ve got a review I can put up. The bottom line is this: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull made Indy seem less cool. And that is not fucking okay.

I’ll be back soon on a more positive note: Ten movies I love.

Until next time, stay creepy

-Phantom

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