Phantom Troublemaker Goes to the Royal Rumble!
I fucking hate downtown Atlanta. It’s dirty and gross and you run into all sorts of mean, rude fucking assholes down there. The traffic is terrible and the roads don’t make any fucking sense. Plus, you’re about fifty times more likely to get mugged and raped by a transvestite crack whore than you are anywhere outside of the perimeter. I personally believe that you have to be out of your fucking mind to live down there if you are over the age of twenty-five, despite having several close friends who are voluntarily in exactly that situation and who I’m reasonably sure are of sound mind.
I don’t really know how exciting I can make the actual Royal Rumble event sound. It was pretty awesome, but I generally don’t do wrestling recaps. I’d just feel bad leaving out the whole reason I ventured down into Georgia’s butthole in the first place. Here’s what happened at what I think is the best Rumble I’ve seen:
Match #1 – Ezekiel Jackson w/William Regal v. Christian (champion) for the gigantic ECW Title
This was actually a pretty good match, and one of the more convincing live matches I’ve seen. It seems like almost every wrestling match has at least a couple of moves that require a television camera’s assistance to not look stupid. Angle is everything (positioning, not Kurt). Christian and Zeke did a pretty good job of avoiding those kinds of moves. Things were a little more even than you would expect from this sort of pairing, as both guys got off a good amount of offense. Regal got his evil ass booted after attempted shenanigans and shortly thereafter Christian hit the Killswitch, got the pin and retained his title; surprising everybody in our crew. (There are people online who devoted five more paragraphs to recapping this match than I did. I salute those people.)
Winner – Christian
Match Rating – I am not that kind of jackoff
Segment #1 – They replayed the Cryme Tyme bit from last year’s Rumble, except this time The “Great” Khali and his life partner call Cryme Tyme “homeslices” and referenced a twenty-year-old sitcom that nobody in WWE’s apparent target demographic has ever fucking heard of and the rest of us are trying to forget. Oh, and Miz dropped in to make a really good point.
Segment #2 – Cody Rhodes told Randy Orton that he is his one true love and that Ted DiBiase, Jr. doesn’t really care about him and isn’t really gay, anyway. Awkward.
(Surprise) Match #2 – Morbidly Verifiable Procrastinator v. The Miz (Awesome) for the US Title
During this match I noticed that MVP has an awful lot of moves that require a lot of cooperation from his opponent, which is kind of the opposite of the thing I was admiring so much about the opening match. The Miz is awesome, so he got the pin with Jeff Jarrett’s finisher. Way to show TNA, WWE!
Winner – The Miz
Extra business – MVP got all huffy about sucking and gave Miz somebody else’s shitty finisher, just to show who the king of shitty finishers is around here, anyway.
Segment #3 – Chris Jericho told Big Show that he is his one true love and that The Miz doesn’t really care about him and isn’t really gay, anyway. Wait a minute, what the fuck is going on here tonight? Also, Chris Jericho called us all gelatinous parasites. Which we thoroughly enjoyed.
Segment #4 – Ted DiBiase, Jr. told Randy Orton that he is his one true love and that Cody Rhodes doesn’t really care about him and isn’t really gay, anyway. Seriously. Kind of.
Match #3 – Randy Orton v. Sheamus or Shamus or Seamus (what the fuck ever) for the Ugly Pimp Title
For a match nobody wanted to see, this wasn’t too painful. Of course, I missed the first few minutes while I was getting a beer and a Wetzel dog (They’re delicious, by the way. I just don’t recommend eating one with a mask on. You’ll be washing the grease of for a week.) so I may not be the best one to ask. What nickname do you like better for Sheamus: The Crimson Ghost or the Ginger Avenger? Anyway, the Ginger Avenger wins after Cody Rhodes runs out to give Orton flowers and accidentally hits the big Mick with them, earning “The Viper” a disqualification. Seriously, WWE – The Viper? First off, that name is too sinister for somebody as overall goofy and unconvincingly evil as Orton. Second, all I can think of when I hear it is the GI Joe episode with the window washer.
Winner – The Crimson Ghost
Extra business – Cody finally got the flowers to Randy, but Randy didn’t want them. Ted ran out in a fit of jealousy. Uh-oh! Catfight! While the fancy lads were quarreling, Sheamus snuck up behind the threesome (the guy is nearly translucent, of course they didn’t see him…) and booted Randy in the mush. Shenanigans! Cody and Ted did see him! The two left the ring holding hands. Cody gave Ted the flowers. Apparently Ted is okay with being the second choice. The Ginger Avenger celebrated in the ring to deafening indifference.
Segment #5 – Michelle McCool is not only a terrible wrestler, but a tremendous bitch.
Match #4 – Mickie James v. Torrie Wilson’s ugly little sist… Oh, wait – that’s Michelle McCool w/Layla for the Women’s Title
Some fucktard gave McCool a mic, which she immediately started braying into like a donkey. Mickie ran out, hit her finisher and got the pin in less than thirty seconds, blowing my mind by being the only acceptable way WWE could handle this situation.
Winner – Mickie James (!)
Extra business – Most of the women on the roster came out to the ring – including my close, personal pretend friend Gail Kim; who was wearing a dress that failed to take into account the possibility that it might need to cover a backside – to humiliate Michelle McCool and Layla by dumping cakes on them. Mark Henry looked on and wept openly.
Segment #6 – Rey Mysterio is little and Undertaker is big!
Match #5 – Rey Mysterio v. Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Title
It’s like David versus Goliath! Rey and ‘Taker did wrestling stuff for awhile and then Undertaker powerbombed the shit out of Rey and got the pin. This was a pretty good match.
Winner – Undertaker
Segment #7 – Kane acted like he matters. Triple H told Shawn Michaels that he is his one true love and that Undertaker doesn’t really care about him and isn’t really gay, anyway. Okay, I’m just kidding this time.
Match #6 – The Royal Rumble! Featuring CM Punk, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, a Mystery Entrant and a bunch of guys who have zero chance of winning for a title shot at WrestleMania
Our opening pairing was Mr. Ziggles and Evan Bourne, who don’t matter but should provide an entertaining couple of minutes of workrate. Thankfully, CM Punk came out with Molly Holly Version 2.0 to eliminate those jobbers and tell us how much we all suck. Punk did this for something like fifteen minutes, all the while eliminating everybody who came out. Except for The “Great” Khali, who was eliminated by Beth Phoenix (seriously). Then Triple H came out. He fought Punk for a while until some other guy came out. I think his name was Drew Makeyoutired, because Punk and Triple H both yawned and fell asleep as soon as they caught sight of him. I don’t know what happened next, as I nodded off for a bit myself, but when I came to Punk was gone. Dammit.
At some point Drew Makeyoutired got eliminated, because I remember seeing him walk up the entryway as I was regaining consciousness. A bunch of other people came out and eliminated people I didn’t want to see eliminated. Then Edge came out! He hit the ring and speared everybody and eliminated Jericho.
The final four were Shawn Michaels, Batista, John Cena and Edge, which made for a surprising and fairly dramatic finale. Stuff happened and then Edge won.
Winner, and going to WrestleMania to fight I have no fucking clue who – Edge!
Extra business – Edge pointed at the WrestleMania sign and ignited it using his awesome eldritch magicks. Then he did a little jig to show everybody that his Achilles’ tendon was ready to win some gold.
Until next time, stay creepy