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Paranormal Activity (2007)

29 December 2009 by TB No Comment
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

2007, Dir. Oren Peli
86 min. Rated R.
Starring: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Michael Bayouth, Mark Fredrichs, Ashley Palmer.

Review by TB

I know I am several months late to the horror punch thing, but it’s my genre and I am really slow, so fuck yourself in the mouth with a baby’s hand. I’m only writing this because I came across a new YouTube vid and feared straight away it was the bourgeoning attempts of a new viral-cum-feature sci-fi film. I am not going to bother giving the whathaveyous of the link. Something about a creeper girl living in a New York apartment and coming out at night to pilfer food and piss in the sink. Anyhoo, this immediately made me think of that wonderful crapumentary, Paranormal Activity.

Let’s get this out of the way: the Blair Witch strategy was on par with the first Jaws trailers. The idea was genius, and though at times slow, was a brilliant act of low budget horror filmmaking. Many folks may disagree with me and those folks can eat a bag of dicks. The living legend Ric Flair once said, “fool me once…shame on me.” That is what The Blair boys did and we all know the hoo and plah it created in the genre. Now, here come these boys with Paranormal Activity. They use the exact same ingredients in marketing and first person action to whip up a horror thriller cake of turd. For those Ric Flair fans, and any fan of common quotes can see the quip quivering on my tongue. Oh, but I am not ashamed, for I lapped at your turd cake and found not so paranormal after all.

Let us begin with Micah. Perhaps I’ve been mistaken by every retard family that named their son this name, but it was pronounced MIKE-AH in my day. Please correct me if I am wrong because our main protagonist (which is a far stretch to say) is pronounced “MEE-KAH”. This, insofar as the film is concerned is the most paranormal thing about this. Now, MEEKAH is a douche and thinks he can beat up ghosts. MEEKAH also loves his guitar to play Bon Jovi riffs and drive with his T-Tops off. His girlfriend, a cute, quiet girl is likeable, but fuck her, as this is MEEKAH’s story! Never mind the fact that his girlfriend is the one afflicted with the haunting and may cause harm to. I mean, this whole camera thing is just a ruse for MEEKAH to film her tits and more importantly his tanned ass while he pounds the poor girl and hopes the ghosts are getting hot to his awesome dudeness. Nothing, save the pronunciation is para so far, right? So, this goober likes to call out apparitions for a fight. The ghosts never show hide nor hair. Goober thinks he has won and pounds his chest in victory. Again, perfectly normal behavior for assholes.

I can recite tons of this retard’s behavior to prove normalcy. But, on the side of fairness I must say some paranormal things do happen. For instance, not many ghosts leave footprints. However, the most glaring paranormal activity was the amount of time it took our scared protagonist girl to put up with captain douchebag. Was she crouched, crying over fright or the realization she put up with a toolbag named MEEKAH?

So, fool me twice? Nah. I appreciate the effort. Perhaps it was too soon. Like Flair says, “to the be the man, you gotta beat the man.”

Woo.

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