CAVEAT EMPTOR
by TB

*I submit this warning in hopes that you will not fall prey to the ever sneaky ploys of Hollywood. *

It’s a usual Pleasant Valley Sunday night . Perhaps you and your snuggle bunny concede to spend a quiet night basking in the glory of celluloid fantasy. You’ve made your trip to the supermarket for the necessities of movie night. Popping corn? Check. Grape Ape soda? Check. Bananas? Check. Astroglide? Check. Now, all that’s left is the trip to your local video hut to pick out the evening’s entertainment. Oh, but there are so many choices, aren’t there? You debate over rewatching old favorites. Sure, All Merlin Jones’ escapades are a hoot, but you’re both feeling a little too frisky to calm yourself down to the Disney level. You ponder a good action film, but snuggle bunny just doesn’t get into the breakneck pace of skateboarding simians. How about a heartstring tugging night with Virgil, Matthew and Helen? Nah. Again, the frisky factor is large and tearjerkers do not segue well into naked time. Remember, you’d rather have a (Project) XXX night! It’s the inevitable hardship that always confronts you betwixt the aisles of the video hut. So, before you drop your cash on the counter and take a chance on a risky title, or spend hours perusing the aisles while your once ripe green bananas lay to waste in the backseat, let me give you these warnings:

IRON MONKEY – The cover looks like an offering of action galore! Plus, after “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, snuggle bunny thought of you as an intellectual who appreciates a fine foreign film. Granted, Iron Monkey may not be up to par with that, but you recall the wild, tantric like sex romp that followed after viewing Ang Lee’s masterpiece. You never realized how much martial arts and coitus have in common! Hell, just imagination what will happen when you throw in an iron hard monkey into the fray, right? Well, guess what. There ain’t no damn monkeys! No damn iron hard monkeys at all. After this serving of mediocre kick’em up film, your bed will be cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. Stay away, tiger.

    

TWELVE MONKEYS- Wow! This seems promising, eh? Not one but twelve! A whole hootenanny of monkeys. Oh sure, you wonder how monkeys fit in to the whole plot, what with the psycho-craziness, time traveling goings on, but that only adds to the allure. It stars that loveable heartthrob, Brad Pitt, too. So, a monkey and Brad Pitt combo is sure to get snuggle bunny’s primal juices going. Seeing as this was a project of former Monty Python loony, Terry Gilliam, you are surely bound for an interesting evening in front of the television, and the later semprini that follows after your knickers hit the floor and the botty is tended to. Well don’t put your twelve monkeys in a row just yet, sir. I hate to spoil it but there are no monkeys running amock here. The twelve monkeys are actually a group of radicals that have infected the populace with a horrible virus. On top of that, it’s a bizarre ride of a film, and the thought of contracting a nasty disease will surely put you both out of the mood for fear of the dreaded case of the monkey itch rot.

B MONKEY- Now this film has got to be the one, at least for you. Adorning the cover is the beautiful, scantily clad Asia Argento. There, the daughter of the Italian zombie master, Dario Argento, poses bare as a subtle lure for you to rent her. The box talks of sex and intrigue. Throwing the addition of monkeys into such a plot is certainly cognac and incense in movie form. Not so fast, though. No sexy intriguing monkeys come with this torrid release. Move on.
Actually, I am going to recommend this one even though there is nary the sight of a monkey. If anything, you can stay up late and watch Asia and have your cognac a la carte…if you catch the monkey poo I’m slinging.

    

SPANKING THE MONKEY- Title alone gets this in your greasy monkey paws. I don’t even need to find any witty musings that make this movie seem like a worthwhile investment for the evening. The title fires up the imagination on so many levels. Watching the perverted fetishes of a slacker and his penchant for tanning the bare hinder of a naughty little monkey until it becomes engorged and enflamed, resembling a big red catcher’s mitt sends a quiver through you both. But alas, curse the name of David O. Russell! There is no such sado-masochistic monkey love going on whatsoever. Put the spatulas away unless you aim to do a little of the monkey action alone with a bottle of petroleum product. Leave this release for someone else that enjoys watching the wormy Jeremy Davies enjoy himself. There are some sick freaks out there, you know!

MONKEY GRIP- I’ll have to admit that even I was tantalized by this offering. For years, I watched this title collect dust in the sale bin at my old video hut. It beckoned me. Too afraid to delve into the possible ramifications of the meaning behind the title, I left it there and made up possible scenarios, and even made a jaunty little dance in its honor. I still do the monkey grip dance to this day, yet have never seen the film. The cover looked inviting, too. A girl in a skimpy bikini, clinging on to the side of a swimming pool was a curious clue? A review on the box characterized something as “sexually volcanic”. Now, I can only venture to say that you are much like I was after first laying eyes on this box. This must be something close to porn! You want it. This is your goldmine for the evening. One reel through this and you’ll be gripping on tight as you and snuggle bunny swing from the rafters in an unbridled fit of stank monkey porn sex action. Score!
Wrong! There are no monkeys in this film. There is no gripping of monkeys in this film. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet you that there are no sexually volcanic tremors to be felt in this film. It’s nothing more than an art film set in Australia during the seventies. And to think it seemed so promising. Loosen your grip from this taunting little release and move on Chim Chim.

I sincerely hope that this little public service announcement saves you from any grief. Lord knows, that the last thing we want is to spoil an evening of monkeys and sweet monkey love because of some clever Hollywood tool and his creative, though, misleading movie titles. Beware of what you are renting if you are unsure. Do a little research before hand to make sure that what you pick for your viewing pleasure will indeed come through with pleasure during and after the movie. If anything, if you find yourself in your local video hut and mulling over those risky titles, just pass and head toward the Disney section. I have never known a Tommy Kirk film to do wrong. Most of Tommy’s work contains a raucous little chimpanzee and a young, firm breasted Annette Funicello. Across the board, this trio ensures a positive outcome. The simple fact of it being an innocent Disney family movie is more of a dirtier turn on. Personally, I would recommend THE MISADVENTURES OF MERLIN JONES. It is stuffed full of cute monkey scenes (as well as tight sweaters stuffed full of mouseketeer Annette). If this doesn’t get your snuggle bunny in the mood, then you are swinging on the wrong vine my friend.

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