Every once in a great while there comes a cultural icon that truly exemplifies all that is right with the world. One such icon is the one and only Mr. T. That’s right, the star of such classics as D.C.CAB and ROCKY III, along with a respectable run on the NBC show The A-Team, former nightclub bouncer and bodyguard to the stars, the man who went toe-to-toe in a boxing match with Rowdy Roddy Piper at WrestleMania, the man known only by one letter: T. And while Mr. T may be living it up now doing guest spots on Conan O’Brien and spots for 1-800-COLLECT, nearly two decades ago he starred in one of the finest PSAs of all time: The legendary Be Somebody…Or Be Somebody’s Fool.

For those of you that may not be familiar with this amazing piece of infotainment, you’re in luck. I’ve managed to scrounge up a copy, thanks to the one and only J “Me So” Hornsby, and am here to give you the highlights and lowlights of this amazing video. So without further adieu, let’s get on with the program, shall we?

Be Somebody… is 52 minutes of goodness, hosted by the man himself and featuring an aspiring bunch of child actors as well as a handful of celebrity guests. Throughout the video, T and friends show you how to feel good about yourself, show confidence, and be an altogether better person, through the aid of several short skits. I’ve decided to break down each of these skits and let you know just what T thinks you should do to be a better person. Oh, I’m also going to rate each skit on a scale of 1-10 for effectiveness.

To start out, T gives a little introduction where he tells the audience (or more accurately “you with the teeth”) that they know him because he’s famous. Of course, Mr. T has an odd way of pronouncing certain words, and “famous” is the first one he really manages to butcher. But T tells us that we don’t have to be famous to be well=known and respected, and so we begin the Official Mr. T guide to overcoming adversity. And the first affliction to get over?

SHYNESS.

We begin with a young girl of Asian descent filming a commercial for shyness. Now, I’m not sure why there would be a commercial for shyness, or why they would go for the irony of casting a really shy girl to appear in it, but basically our little shy friend is getting yelled at by the director. And then, all of a sudden, she snaps. Like a demon. Tears into the director, and then completes her anti-shyness rant like she just got the Cowardly Lion’s big dose o’ courage. And then she storms off.

    

This segment is really short, and doesn’t really accomplish much. Plus, There’s no Mr. T in it. Not a good start. I’ll rate this segment 2/10. Let’s hope for better numbers here soon.

Which leads us to…

ROOTS.

“You can’t know where you going if you don’t know where you from”, bellows the mighty Mr. T, as we check in to him and a group of younger children chillin’ by an oak tree. He makes some metaphor about the tree and people having roots in common. And then, as if to make up for the banality of the last segment, T goes on a winner of a diatribe, wherein he…

shows off his duct-taped covered boots that were passed down by his father…

Explains that his ancestors are from Africa and that they were members of the Mandika tribe and that’s why he wears his hair like that, and then the real kicker…he actually has the gall to tell these kids that “These gold changes [sic] I wear represent my ancestors being brought over as slaves”. Uh-huh. Okay, first off, T, they’re pronounced “Chains”, and we all know you used to take them from folks when you were a Chicago night club bouncer. Don’t lie to these children and tell them that they’re some sort of symbols of your heritage. You totally just shot your credibility, T.

The kids recount their stories of their own roots, and then all join arms and spontaneously break out in song. And then, look what we have here…

    

It’s Martika! That’s right, Marta Merrero, star of Kids Incorporated and the subject of about 85 percent of my eight-grade fantasies as a result of her “Toy Soldiers” video, actually got her start supporting Mr. T in this video gem. Of course, with her mullet and feathered hair, she’s a far cry from the raven-haired vixen in sheer black clothing from the late ’80s that generated many dirty thoughts in my blooming pubescence. But it’s still Martika, and we can all be happy about that.

Okay, the Roots song goes on for about five minutes longer than I ever dreamed eternity would last and we see cameos from other Kids Incorporated. This segment finally ends, as the music fades out. I’m tempted to go high on the score for the audacity of Mr. T’s blatant lies, but the song ruins the effect. I’ll go 4/10.

FRUSTRATION (I).

The next bit is part of a recurring theme. Basically, T tries to play the cello and holds it up to his chin and as a result falls on his ass.

    

Mr. T in a tux falling down is worth a laugh, so I’ll give this segment 6/10.

Oh, there’s more to this fine piece of entertainment…

ANGER.

In the next segment, T is enjoying a picnic with some of the kids and telling them how to control their anger. Hilarity ensues as a fly that’s buzzing around starts to get under T’s skin. Oh lord, can you smell the irony? Obviously feeding off a well-rehearsed script, T offers tablemate Jimmy some “pickle — uh, I think this is relish”, and then swats a few more times at the fly, until…

OH GOD HOW FUNNY HE MISSED THE FLY AND HIS HAND LANDED IN THE ‘TATO SALIT’. Quickly recouping (ah, just you wait), T offers some of the stuff to Jimmy, who looks bemused. Oh, but it gets better. The fly is still buzzing, and then…

OH NOW HE GOT ‘TATO SALIT’ ALL OVER HIS FACE. This is pure genius. Buster Keaton, eat your heart out.

then, in a fit of rage, T goes crazy and starts whacking everything in sight with a newspaper until he finally can calm down and breathe. And then, finally…

He catches the fly with his bare hands while Martika looks on in sheer amazement. Thankfully, there’s a message here: “Anger. Use it, but don’t lose it.” I’m really not sure I understand that statement, but whatever. Segment rating: 6/10

STYLING.

Well, this is the one that people tend to go nuts over, and for good reason. There’s a good number of quotables in this here section, and just the absolute datedness of the scene is worth a laugh. Basically, in this segment, T starts off by telling us that “Everybody wears clothes. And if you don’t you’ll get arrested.” I’m not kidding you. Those are actual words from his mouth. Basically, he’s telling you that clothing is something you can use to express yourself with, so why would you wear Bill Blass or Calvin Klein’s name on them when you can wear your own. Oh, well, I dunno, maybe copyrights and all, but that doesn’t stop T from putting on a narcissitic fashion show not to be missed.

    

First up are Xena and Zena from San Bernadina. They do their little eighties dance while T tells them they are dressed up for a walk to the grocery store.

Next up is Martika, er, Marta, who T describes as the “A-Train of fashion”. T actually says the line “with her mustard socks and her ketchup sash, she’s a real hot dog”. Again, I swear I’m not making this up. I only wish I were that clever.

Oh, here’s a winner: Jeff. According to T, Jeff’s the hippest cat in town. Well, with dance moves like these, who can doubt him?

Jeff prances around for a while and I laugh. Rewind if desired, this is a winner.

Next up is Athena, who T describes as a “living United Nation”. Yeah, I don’t understand it either, so don’t bother asking me.

Next up is Kelly. “All dressed up and no place to go? No Problem says Kelly, I’ll just run around the block a few times.” Well, at least that headband makes a statement, although I’m hard pressed to know what that statement is.

Next up, Manny. Not Emmanuel Lewis, star of For the Retarded fave The Surreal Life, but the Manny who T describes as wearing the “B-Boy look” but that I figure looks more like a gay pirate ensemble. See what I mean?

    

Yeah. B-Boy my ass. Meanwhile, T looks on in approval as Manny gyrates his hips, in one of the most disturbing things ever seen on television.

And finally, Janine, for whom T has the nerve to quote Nelly on and say “It’s getting hot in Here” eighteen years before old band-aid face could infest the airwaves with that same catchphrase. Janine’s not taking off all her clothes, however. Thankfully, neither’s T. Yet.

“Table the Label”, says T, as he tells the famous fashion designers to eat their hearts out. I give this segment an 8/10.

FRUSTRATION (II).

T’s back with the Cello, this time launching the bow across the room. Well, at least he stayed in his chair this time. 3/10

Keep going, there’s far more…

PEER PRESSURE.

Our next segment is almost purely a music video, with very little narration from T and no dialogue. You see, these were some bold filmmakers who were putting this little package together, not afraid to experiment. In a sweet little pun, we see five kids walking out on a pier to chill out. Seems inncocent enough, right?

Well, one of our buddies seems to have a sixth sense going on here…

Passing by the trash can, suddenly this chap is drawn as if by magical force to crane his neck back around and then walk backward toward the can. And then…

    

Whoa! Is that a full, unopened warm can of Budweiser? And digging further, a full pack of Marlboros? It’s amazing what these beachgoers will throw away on hot summer days. Well, as he shows back up, everyone seems pretty interested in the contraband, all except for this kid:

They start trying to light the cigarettes, obviously failing to realize you have to put the thing in your mouth and inhale to get it lit, geniuses.

Well, the cover’s blown anyway, as the parties involved with making this video apparently figured the kids at home would be dumb enough to not notice that the whole time the kids are enjoying in their bad acts, they never open the beer or light a single fag. Oh, and apparently the non-drinking and non-smoking that our bad seeds are partaking in allows them to become oblivious to the fact that New Edition is singing and dancing ten feet away. Uhh, sure, guys.

Oh yeah, I guess I could go on a whole 50-page rant about the fact that Bobby Brown is participating in an anti-drug spot, but that’s for a whole other time, folks.

    

Meanwhile, they all decide that the little reluctant kid is going to get with the program, whether he likes it or not. You know how your mother used to ask you if your friends held you down and made you smoke those cigarettes when you got busted? Well, This kid’s friends did just that.

Meanwhile, Mr. T looks on giving his signal of disapproval. Or at least we think so. I think he’s more like, “Dude, you just found that beer in the garbage can, in the middle of the hot sun!”

    

    

Oh, and I sure didn’t need images like these stuck in my head. Ever.

Finally, our little hero breaks away from the bad influence, taking his belly shirt and running. And an epiphany occurs. Suddenly the bad kids realize the errors of their ways.

So New Edition takes us out with the rest of our song, and I rate this segment a solid 8/10

RECOUPING.

Okay, earlier I mentioned how T “recoups” himself after dipping his hand in potato salad, and then mentioned how he hasn’t taken his clothes off? Well, here’s the part you’re gonna want to check out.

T introduces himself as “Dr. T”, but I see no women. Anyway, he asks us if we’ve ever been embarassed. Of course we have. But then, he does the unthinkable: Mr. T makes up a word. Yes, let us all add this term to our vocabulary, as it is truly one that Noah Webster ignored: Absoludicrous.

    

Basically, we get some kid in a purple jumpsuit skipping down the street (oh yeah, there’s no way this kid is growing up straight) when he suddenly loses the ability to function normally and falls on his knees. Some fat guy laughs. So how could the kid recover from the embarassment, or as T calls it, “Recoup”?

    

He can pretend to break dance. Yes, kind of like Pee-Wee Herman falling off his bike and saying “I meant to do that!”, the kid does some funky spin thing and meets some cheers from the fat guy and some onlookers. Oh, and ain’t karma a bitch: the fat guy trips as he walks away. Man, what ever would we do without Dr. T’s lessons?

So Dr. T again uses the word Absoludicrous and gets up from his desk, when a stage hand reminds him He’s not wearing any pants. So T, taking his own advice, does his best to recoup:

    

He strips down to his underwear and starts doing squats. Again, this man is a comedy goldmine. I give this segment an 8/10, solidifying it as a real winner.

FRUSTRATION (III).

T and the Cello again. Basically, this time he just makes noise with the bow. This segment blows. At least it’s only about 15 seconds long.

CREATING.

Mr. T and breakdancing. What could be a better representation of the 1980’s? T explains that everyoine creates things, and that some people make art with their bodies. Now, I dated a girl once who used to cover her nude body with paint and press herself onto walls for murals, but somehow I don’t think that’s what T has in mind. He shows up on some generic street corner where some kids are kickin’ it oldschool, bustin’ out the cardboard.

While T looks fascinated in the breakdancing, he figures he’ll chill in the back with Marta and Popsicle (hey, that’s what her shirt says) who are busy performing stuff they might have learned from Darren’s Dance Grooves, if it were 2002. They teach T to do the robot and moonwalk, but T seems more interested in showing off his muscles.

    

Ready for the challenge now, T steps u to the breakdance challenge. He learns about baby swipes and windmills and then some kid almost scrapes his head on concrete. Then T walks like an Egyptian off into the sunset.

    

    

Nothing special here. I give this segment a 5/10.

TREAT YOUR MOTHER RIGHT

This segment begins with some short kid with an afro having a snaps contest with some man-beast of a girl. They make fat jokes, skinny jokes, age jokes, ugly jokes…but when they dare to cross the “Yo Momma” threshold, T is there to intervene. All he says is something nice about mommas and these two archrivals embrace and walk off together. Mr. T, what a peacemaker!

Oh, the next thing that happens here is a song. And it’s definitely one of the finest songs ever put to music. Mr. T, in camouflage hotpants, is joined by three middle-aged women wearing housedresses and other hideous articles of clothing, for the “Treat Your Mother Right” song. And without too much adieu, here’s the lyrics for said song:

    

Treat her right
Treat your mother right
Treat her right
Treat her right

Mother
There is no other
Like Mother
So treat Her right
Mother
I always Love Her
My Mother
So treat Her right, treat Her right

M is for the moan, and the miserable groan
from the pain that She felt when I was born

O is for the oven with it’s burnin’ heat
where She stood makin’ sure I had something to eat

T is for the time that She stayed up at night
and took my temperature when I wasn’t feelin’ right

H is for the hard earned money She spent
to keep clothes on my back and try to pay da’ rent

E is every wrinkle I put on Her face
and every worry that I caused when I stayed out late

The last letter R is that She taught me Respect
and for the room up in Heaven that I know She’ll get

She’s a Queen
Second to none
Take care of Mother
You only get one

Oh, and lots of footage of kids treating their mothers right. Sometimes too right.

    

Mr. T was assisted in the rapping portion of this special by another famous “T”: Original Gangsta himself, H-U-S-T-L-E-R Hustla Ice-T. While this is definitely the best song, overall the segment is pretty weak. 5/10

WORKOUT.

In this segment, Mr. T does his best to torment a fat kid. No, really. Basically, the gist is like this: a bunch of kids are sitting around on a bench stuffing themselves with junk food when T walks by. He breaks it down just how bad that stuff is for them, to which the fat kid actually pulls out the most smart assed line I’d ever imagine from him: “I’m waiting for the new gym to open.”

    

Not picking up on the dripping sarcasm, T explains that there’s no need for a gym, because the whole world is a gym. to demonstrate, he starts doing deadlifts with a 10-pound boombox. The other kids demonstrate their abilities with the lifting, until the fat kid steps up…and can’t lift it.

    

Not content to just humilitate the kids one way, he places a bag of popcorn on his head and starts doing squats. Now I’m not exactly a workout guru, but I’d guess that a bag of popcorn on the head doesn’t exactly provide a lot of resistance. But sure enough, while the other kids have no problem with it…

    

…the fat kid falls on his ass.

    

T attempts to whip the kids into shape using some more Absoludicrous techniques, including sliding down a sliding board, climbing a pole, and doing what my mother used to want to beat me for doing: jumping from a moving swing. Of course, our fat kid fails at all of them. All of them. He can’t even slide down a sliding board properly.

T, after suddenly getting through a costume change, becomes Drill Sergeant T, and continues to torment the fat kid by poking him in the gut Pillsbury Dough Boy style. They do jumping jacks, more squats (which again causes fatty to fall down), and other various calisthenics. And then, finally, a la Leonard Lawrence in FULL METAL JACKET, fatty McGee freaks out and runs into the ocean with T and company following right behind.

Fat kid humor is so passe. I give this segment a 4/10.

FRUSTRATION (IV).

This time, as T tries to play, the upstairs neighbor (on a sound stage?) tells him to keep it quiet and bangs on the floor until the ceiling caves in. Yawn.

This segment keeps getting worse and worse. I give it a 3/10.

I AM SOMEBODY.

Well, at least the title says “I am Somebody”. Mr. T may have had some trouble reading that, however, because he just says “Rappin'” .

Several of our friends are hanging out on a set street with a parked VW bug. Kelly tells us that Rappin’ is like street poetry. Then the white kids tell us everyone has to rap but that nobody works on it. Then the little black kid says rappin’s gotta rhyme, but does so in a rhyming couplet. Brilliant.

    

So then Mr. T treats us to a rap song, and I don’t just mean any rap song. I mean the worst rap song I’ve ever heard. Worse than the worst shit MC Hammer ever did in his dark periods. Worse than anything the Beastie Boys ever did, even. In his rap he tells us he has a college degree, and I’m wondering just what the guy majored in. Must not have been English.

    

Then the kids join in for the chorus. And it keeps going for like 5 more minutes before T tells us that we need to write our own raps. Vanilla Ice and Snow must have been watching this thing when it came out and were struck with inspiration, because this shit is on a level with their talents. The segment overall blows. Boring, not much to it, not even any good humor. 2/10.

FRIENDSHIP.

Professor T is standing in front of a classroom, decked in full gold chains and feathered earrings and after bringing back the camouflage hot pants, teaching the kids about Friendship. I don’t know where these kids live, but that dress code woulda gotten a teacher fired where I come from. T tells us that where he comes from a friend is someone who would suck poison out of your big toe. I guess there’s a lot of rattlesnakes running around Urban Chicago where sir T grew up. Then a creepy Freddy-Kreugeresque voice off camera says that it’s been bit by a snake in the big toe, and T gleefully bounces off to remedy the situation.

And now, Special Guest Bonus Time!

Folks, it’s Valerie Landsberg, star of TV’s “Fame”! Now this is star power, folks. I hear that Burt Reynolds and Sly Stallone and Harrison Ford were trying to get this part, but none of them had the appeal of Val here. She sings a really boring song either about friends or getting laid. I can’t really tell. Then she waves to Mr. T and the gang on the pier.

And if you can’t pick up on the heartfelt vibe of the segment from this review, then let these captions speak for themselves:

    

    

By this point, I’m under the impression that this entire video was filmed on a 150-square foot plot of land that included a pier, a sound stage, and a playground. Oh yeah, and this sketch sucked, except for the toe-sucking fetish demonstrated by Mr. T. 4/10.

FRUSTRATION (V).

Okay, Mr. T gets wise and hauls out an umbrella and finally he’s a maestro. And there was much rejoicing. Yaaay.

T wraps up the final Frustration segment by telling us to never quit, but first he specifies that it’s Me he wants to talk to, and not some other random person. Rest in Peace, Frustration segments. You started out like gold, but now you suck like no other. 1/10.

MR. T’S TALE

In this segment, Belly Shirt Boy from the Peer Pressure segment asks T if he’s ever been in a gang. T denies all accusations, telling us that his momma didn’t want him hanging out with bad boys. He starts telling some story about a boy named Ricky and a girl named Jackie and how they were star-crossed lovers from rival gangs. It’s pretty easy to figure out he’s basically just plaigarizing West Side Story while trying to segue into teaching kids about Shakespeare. What a friggin’ rip off. We think we’re going to get the big backstory of the man who played B.A. Baracus and used to beat people up for a living. Instead, we get some lame message about how Shakespeare writes good stories. It’s not even worth putting pictures up for. 2/10.

DAYDREAMING.

Okay, we start out during a baseball game with kids way too young to be playing overhand-pitch ball doing just that. Some little blond girl is up to bat, and she’s frustrated. So she daydreams that she’s playing in the World Series. News Flash, junior: MLB will never let in women. Deal with it. So anyway, the windup comes along, and the pitch…

And Coach T looks on with anticipation…

And the girl takes a swing. Not just any swing, but swings at a high ball that she had no business swinging at. Come on, Coach, what the hell kind of shitty pitches are you teaching these kids to swing at anyway?

Oh yeah, and after all this, she gets a single. A miserable single. What the hell is that? Somehow she’s a hero because she swung at a ball she should have never chased and got a single out of it? Maybe if she wasn’t daydreaming and had her head in the game, she’d at least have had a shot at a double.

Speaking of Daydreaming, Coach T then extoles the virtues of doing just that. Whatever. I used to daydream when I was playing little league and my dad nearly beat the shit out of me for not paying attention. Nice message to teach here. 3/10.

And that’s the end. T shows up one last time to tell us he’ll see us again real soon, and with his mind-control techniques, tells us to rewind the tape and watch it again. And visions of millions of hypnotized kids having this video on endless loop dance through my noggin. SO that’s it, and thank God it’s over…WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE! Did I just see…

Mr. T in a Genie Costume? Where the hell did this come from? Is this from the super-secret deleted scenes? I want my DVD copy with bonus footage Now!