As of this writing, there’s no GI*Joe movie in the works, and it’s a damned shame. And if there were, it’d likely be some silly story involving the characterless 12-inch figures we see in toy stores today. But Here’s the GI*Joe movie that NEEDS to happen, and the sooner the better.

For those who weren’t avid fanatics of the “Real American Hero” GI*Joe that dominated toy stores all throughout the 1980’s, you’re likely to get lost during the next bit of writing. But here’s the scenario:

The movie takes place in modern-day America, a good 10 years after the GI*Joe Special Forces team has defeated the forces of COBRA and disbanded. Former Joe leader and Brigadier General Clayton “Hawk” Abernathy is now the President of the United States. COBRA Commander has been defeated, and locked away in a maximum security prison where he was subsequently killed in a riot. In this universe, the silly later supernatural plot devices and characters such as Cobra-La and Serpentor have never existed, nor did the later toy gimmicks like “Team 2000” or “Eco Squad” or “Python Patrol”. The setup is that ten years after the demise of COBRA, random terrorist attacks begin occurring, and most often they seem to be happening to former members of GI*Joe. It is revealed that the Crimson Guard Commanders, Tomax and Xamot, are responsible for the attacks and for bringing COBRA back together.

The Players:

G.I.JOE

Flint: Bruce Willis.
Lady Jaye: Demi Moore.

Yeah, I know Bruce and Demi are old news, but this could be the perfect reunion for one of Hollywood’s hottest couples. Flint and Lady J are long-since married with 2.4 kids, and only in the film for a brief cameo at the beginning of the film, the victims of a car bombing in a mall parking lot.

Hawk: Harrison Ford.
President Clayton Abernathy is portrayed by Captain Solo of the Millenium Falcon. After learning of the terrorist attacks and their victims, he knows that he is soon to be a victim if he doesn’t retaliate. Being the former Joe leader, he takes the battle personally.

Duke: Alec Baldwin.

Duke is the strong, gruff retired First Sergeant of the Joe team. Baldwin would be uncanny in this role, assuming he wouldn’t mind a little bit of a bleach job. After his wife Scarlett is killed, he rejoins the Joes and recruits her friend Snake-Eyes in to battle.

Scarlett: Kim Basinger.

This spicy southern belle was a covert ops officer for GI*Joe. After the team’s split, she and Duke were retired and married. Scarlett is killed in the film, which spurs old friend Snake-Eyes to seek revenge. Basinger would need a good auburn dye job for the role.

Roadblock: Jim Brown.

The rugged machine gunner for the Joes, Roadblock has since retired to open a chain of restaurants. When one of his stores is the victim of a bombing, he regroups with the team for the final confrontation. Jim Brown is just as big, tough, black, and bald as Roadblock, so the role is his.

Beach-Head: Kevin Bacon.

The no-nonsense Joe Ranger from Alabama, Beach-Head has since continued in the U.S. Special Forces training young officers. Always gung-ho and ready to fight, he is more than ready to get back in to the thick of things. Bacon is ideal for the swagger and southern drawl that Beach-Head possesses.

Low-Light: Bill Pullman.

A lesser character in the Joe saga, but this dark rifleman was definitely one of the coolest. Pullman is perfect for the role of this quiet, calculating Night Spotter. Low-Light gets a call from the Joes as they attempt to restructure, and responds with a stern, “I’ll be there.”

Snake Eyes: Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Snake Eyes is the silent ninja who wears an all-black bodysuit. Hence, all you need is a muscular guy who can kick and chop. Snake Eyes gets in to the thick of things when he discovers his friend Scarlett is killed in a bombing.

Storm Shadow: Don “The Dragon” Wilson.

Storm Shadow was a COBRA Ninja who has since discovered secrets of his past which led him to defect. He is a longtime friend of Snake-Eyes, Scarlett, and other Joe Team members. Now unmasked and seeking revenge for the slayings of his teachers, and Wilson is a lock.

Stalker: Delroy Lindo.

One of the original GI*Joe team members, Stalker is a non-nonsense army Ranger with fighting in his blood. Now President Hawk’s chief military advisor, His fighting spirit brings him right back to the forefront of battle. Lindo is a lock for the part.

Rock N’ Roll: Gregg Allman.

A grizzled machine gunner for the Joe Team, Rock N’ Roll’s first love was…you guessed it…Rock N’ Roll. Since retiring from the military years ago, he has has great success with his rock band. His ardent love for his former teammates leads him back in. Allman is a grizzled rock veteran who would fit perfectly.

Falcon: Don Johnson.

Duke’s half-brother and one of the youngest officers in the Joe Squad during their heyday, Flacon was known for his hotshot antics and reckless style. He has since retired, and is married to martial arts expert Jinx. Johnson, who voiced Falcon in an animated feature, would work for the live-action film as well.

Jinx: Michelle Yeoh.

One of the youngest GI*Joe team members, Jinx is a ninja who was trained under the same masters as Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow. She has since become a Hollywood stunt player, but is anxious to rejoin the Joes alongside husband Falcon. Bond Girl Yeoh has the martial arts skills and beauty to pull this off.

Shipwreck: Bruce Campbell.

A Navy sailor who was quite the asset to the Joes in sea battles, Shipwreck is known for his sense of humor and unconventional fighting skills. Shipwreck is mainly in the film for comic relief. Bruce Campbell of EVIL DEAD fame is a good candidate for the role.

Sgt. Slaughter: Sgt. Slaughter.

Yep, we have to get the old fart in for an obligatory cameo, even if it is for a spiritual pick-me-up. In this Joe reality, Slaughter was only an inspirational mascot for the Joes, and never an actual trainer/fighter. For the uninformed, Sgt. Slaughter was an overweight pro wrestler who GI*Joe made a flattering action figure out of and actually had him participate in the series.

Tomax and Xamot: Gabriel Byrne.

Twin brothers and the leader of the Crimson Guard, Tomax and Xamot are responsible for the terrorist attacks on the former Joe members. They enlist several COBRA stalwarts to aid them in their acts of terrorism. Gabriel Byrne of USUAL SUSPECTS fame bears an uncanny resemblance to the evil twins.

Major Bludd: Gary Oldman.

Bludd, a mercenary who often worked alongside COBRA, is paid a generous sum of money to aid Tomax and Xamot’s evil scheme. Gary Oldman, the master of the accent, is a natural for the role of this cockney-twinged cold-blooded fighter.

Zartan: John Malkovich.

Zartan is a master of disguise and a clinical schizophrenic who led the rogue biker gang the Dreadnoks into battle. He dwells in swampy lowlands and lives a mysterious existence. Tomax and Xamot enlist him for his unpredictable, dangerous actions. Malkovich, a fine actor, is perfect for the role.

Destro: Voiced by Frank Welker.

Destro dons a mysterious silver mask in to battle, so it only matters who does the voice. He is a weapons supplier who previously worked alongside Cobra, and is paid lavishly by Tomax and Xamot to return to their allegiance. James Earl Jones would also work for the voice, but Welker did it well in the cartoon.

Baroness: Bebe Neuwirth.

A dangerous terrorist and spy, the Baroness has been linked to COBRA for years, as well as romantically to their arms dealer Destro. Bebe Neuwirth, who is known for her role as Lilith on “Cheers”, is uncanny for the role. The Baroness is responsible for the death of archnemesis Scarlett in the movie.

Scrap-Iron: Robert Davi.

A dangerous heavy-arms specialist, Scrap-Iron is responsible for the death of one of Storm-Shadow’s masters. He has returned to freelance terorism since the defeat of COBRA, but is more than ready to rejoin their ranks. Character actor Robert Davi could do a good job with the calculating villian.

Firefly: Geoffery Rush.

One of the most infamous terrorists in the world, Firefly is known for his work in demolitions and sabotage. Since COBRA’s demise, he has been working freelance, often alongside fellow COBRA member Scrap-Iron. After Rush’s great performance as a villian in MYSTERY MEN, he’d be great in this role.

For the most part, COBRA’s regrouping consists of masked Crimson Guard officers who do most of the battlefield fighting. Expect some chaos within the upper ranks of the terrorist faction, as these different personalities clash like a powder keg.

Anyway, In the ultimate fantasy world, this movie would be made and do $250 million at the box office with all of the plot points above left intact. But seeing as to how we are but mere sarcastic web movie critics, that will never happen. But my mama always told me it’s important to dream so I think I’ll go drag out all my old action figures and go act out the screenplay to this film.

Yo Joe!

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