Episode Nine: Dirty Laundry
Review by Noel Wood

It's that time again, and a new episode of The Surreal Life is in the bag. Of course, this season has gone on way too long, at least three episodes longer than either of the previous two seasons, but there's still one to go even after this one. Shoot me now.

On top of that, they went off and announced the cast for the next season, which starts airing only a month and a half after this one wraps. Whoa there, horsey! Slow the hell down! Just because this show has jumped the shark doesn't mean it's time to sink the ship as well. Take a breather, reorganize, and try again. Don't settle for a cast including a bunch of folks that most people have never heard of.

Okay, enough ranting about that. Here we go with episode nine of season three, which apparently got a hold of Doc Brown's time machine and went back to the future. This episode starts off by recapping the second episode of the season. Whatsupwidat? Apparently, they decided to run this episode out of sequence, which makes no sense for several reasons, but most importantly is the fact that if it ran when it was supposed to, the Halloween episode would have originally aired on Halloween night. Novel idea, huh?

So anyway, the day starts off with Dave Coulier and Flavor Flav celebrating their man-love by hugging one another, and then today's Surreal Times arrives. Today's mission is to get dolled up and have a photograph taken of the gang. Is it just me, or are these missions getting lamer and lamer? Anyway, Flav is still freshly smitten by Brigitte because it's really the beginning of the season all over again, so he decides that he is going to be plain old William Drayton in his picture and not Flavor Flav.

They go to the mall and Flavor buys a suit while Brigitte looks on in approval. Flav calls himself the "pimp of the day", but the rest of the cast starts getting noticeable bored. Finally, it's time to get their picture taken, and they all choose to wear stupid hats. Flav goes hatless, just to be ironic.

The gang arrives home, and there's a crowd in the living room. Sally Jesse Raphael has again ambushed the Surreal gang for an episode of Dirty Laundry. It's time to make these people hate each other more than they already do.

Flav is the first one to be picked apart by Sally, and he reveals that when he was first picked to be in the house it was hell but now it's heaven because he found Gitte. Sally plays a video from Ryan where she disses Flav and calls him a crackhead. Brigitte defends her little Mr. F, and Flav says something about how he "ain't no bigger than a pack of cards". And because we didn't get enough of it earlier on, we get more video of Flav and Brigitte getting it on.

In the next bit of footage, Flav gets a little ticked off at the dog (Boogie/Cuchi/Bosco/whatever his name is) for making a mess on the floor and disciplines him. After Ryan sees Flav beat the dog, she says she wants to beat the hell out of him. Ryan makes a comment about how she really hates Flav because he asks her personal sex questions, and he crosses the line with "it would be the best day of your life if you was with me". Whoops. And with Gitte there and everything.

Finally, we get some footage of Jordan being a reclusive lazy ass, abd he explains that his agent put him up to this and he was totally against it at first but now he's happy that he did it. Whatever. Charo and Dave don't get any sort of video, because they're too boring, apparently.

So Flav and Ryan hate each other apparently, and that's not going to stop. But we already know that, because we've already seen the six episodes that are supposed to follow this one.

Next week is the last one. Really. No, I mean it. Unless, of course, the weird time continuum thing with this episode being from the start of the season means that this thing will go in to an infinite loop.

Oh God, I think I just wet myself.