Episode Six: Making the Single: Part One
Review by Noel Wood

Another week has come and gone, which means another episode of the Surreal Life Season Three is in the bag. Unfortunately, this thing is still going on, and it just hasn't matched up to the charm of the first couple of seasons. But it looks like we're on the final arc of the season, so it will all be over soon.

The episode starts with another morning. Jordan yawns, Dave cooks breakfast, and Flav makes up with Brigitte. Apparently he's gotten over her dissing him in San Diego, because he tells her that "if you was an egg, I'd eat you". He tells us all that he just can't stay mad at his darling Brigitte.

The Surreal Times arrives, and the gang finds out their mission: to record a single in a studio. They will have a deadline of Midnight tonight, and Jordan has been chosen as a producer. Ryan gets all negative about the news (and really, is that any different from her attitude toward anything?) and Brigitte runs her mouth in Danish. Flav tells us that his dick is hard for the recording session, but we all know that's just Brigitte Nielsen's fault.

The band starts up a jam session, Jordan and Ryan do some crooning, while Flav jams out on the guitar and drums. Ryan's still being a huge pain in the ass about all of this, and Charo says that all of this resembles a "crazy salad". Meanwhile, the non-musical cast members, Dave and Brigitte, sit on the couch looking bored the whole time.

The gang gets whisked away to Conway Studios and meet the recording engineer, who has apparently produced such acts as Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park. This not only means that the Surreal Band is going to suck, but that they're also not going to be able to spell their own names. Jordan becomes the taskmaster, taking control of the writing. Meanwhile, Flav gets his hair done. For a recording session.

Dave sits around and bitches because he's useless in the setting, while Flav and brigitte have a tete-a-tete while he gets his locks lookin' good. Brigitte tells him he's a pussy because it hurts, but she later winds up wincing when Flav's stylist Antisa does some work on her blonde coif. Flav tells Brigitte that she can have all of his love if she marries him.

Charo gets a little ticked at Jordan's fascist leadership, and she curses at him. Flav rejoins the recording session and demands silence so that he may work in peace. Ryan bitches some more because she and Charo think that the song they're writing is "so 1999" and then she bitches because she's a "rock singer". News flash, Ryan: American Idol isn't exactly the ideal launch point for the career of a "rock singer".

Honestly, I forget what happens for the most part here, because it's boring. They goof around in the studio, and my friends watching the episode A) get distracted by my cat or B) fall asleep. Unfortunately, I'm taking notes, so I'm forced to watch, but I'd rather be doing anything else. The episode ends at a cliffhanger. Will they finish recording by midnight? And will Ryan shut the fuck up and just be happy with the fact that she's actually getting some work? Will anyone watch, and will they give a shit if they do? Find out in the exciting conclusion!

Part two is next week, and unfortunately, I'll have to watch it as well.