Episode Three: Battle of the Bands
Review by Noel Wood

Another week has passed in the Surreal Life house, and I'm finally here to tell you about it. In case you're that one person who actually looks forward to these things, then I'm sorry this is a few days late. This season just isn't floating my boat like the last two, so It's been hard for me to go back and rewatch the episode for posterity.

But here it goes anyway. Actually, upon a second viewing, this episode probably ranks as the best one yet. Very little of that creepy Flav/Gitte thing going on here, and a pretty cool little contest to boot. It's yet another day in the Surreal House, and our morning person Dave Coulier gets out and takes in some morning calisthenics. He eventually wakes up Flav, who then proceeds to rouse an unhappy Charo. Charo ain't liking this early morning thing, and she especially doesn't like it when Flav gets a glimpse of her chest and asks her if she's "Got Milk?"

This morning's Surreal Times arrives, and the gang gathers 'round to read it. Well, at least after Flav gets his requisite cuddle in with Brigitte. Today's assignment will be a "battle of the bands", with the housemates being paired off and performing a song with some "experienced musicians". Ryan and Charo are teamed up, and choose "Born to be Wild". Flav and Jordan decide to take on "Play that Funky Music White Boy". Dave and Brigitte, the only two people in the house who are not professional musicians (term applied as loosely as possible,) get to do "Wild Thing". No, not the Wild Thing; that's reserved for Flav.

The additional musicians arrive as well. Turns out they're preteen kids from a middle school music class. The pairs get to pick their accompaniment like they're the captains of a kickball team, and the poor accordion girl gets picked last.

Ryan and Charo encounter a pretty big problem right up front: Charo isn't familiar with the song, y'know, because she's from Spain and all (despite the fact that she's lived int he U.S. for 35-plus years.) Charo ain't happy at all, and winds up speaking unintelligbly. One of her band's kids says that Charo is "past her prime" and needs to wear clothes to better suit her age. Zing! When you get dissed by a twelve-year-old, you ain't doing so hot.

Jordan and Flav's band have themselves a grand old time, with Flav playing the part of taskmaster. He makes the best with the accordion girl with whom their band got stuck, and gives the kids a lot of self-confidence. He makes them some cheese sandwiches to celebrate their progress.

Dave and Brigitte struggle through their lack of musical experience. Dave hums a few bars on the harmonica, while Brigitte does the same revolting chicken dance she pulled out in front of the male strippers last week. She then frolicks about on the floor wearing clothing that is probably not appropriate what with a bunch of kids hanging about and all, and then winds up taking a nap while the rest of the band irons out their song.

Finally, it's showtime. And for some reason that nobody seems to be able to explain, Barry "Greg Brady" Williams is emceeing the thing. Guess he didn't have too many other important things to do today. He introduces the first band, Dave and Brigitte's "Surreal Deal". They stumble through a rendition of "Wild Thing" that makes Sam Kinison's version seem like the Fifth Symphony, and Brigitte's only contribution is to gyrate her mass in front of the kids.

The next band, Ryan and Charo's "Madison Avenue Rockers", get a start much like the Wonders (nee the Oneders) in THAT THING YOU DO!, with the drummer taking off at a breakneck speed. Unfortunately for our Surreal Lifers, they don't recover as well. Charo goes off on some weird flamenco riffs and it's pretty well assumed that while their rendition of "Born to Be Wild" might have been slightly better than the last band's song, it still ain't looking at going platinum.

Finally, Flav and Jordan's "King Kold Kuts and the Baloneys" breeze through "Play that Funky Music White Boy" with nary a problem, save for the fact that Flav apparently thinks that the lyric is "Play that Funky Music Right Boy". But they still more or less nail it, with the accordion girl getting funky on Weird Al's instrument of choice.

Sure enough, Flav and Jordan take the grand prize, a donation to a charity of their choice, and they pump the donation back into the school's music class where their bandmates are from. In news that may make Brigitte a little jealous, the accordion girl says that she loves Flav. A tear starts to well up in the corner of my eye, and then I realize it was because my allergies are acting up. During the celebration, Brigitte dumps MC Greg Brady into the pool, and everyone carries on and has a good time.

And that's all she wrote for this week's episode of the Surreal Life. See, that wasn't so bad after all. Next week, though, it looks liek Brigitte gets to get back at Flav for the accordion girl thing, as she seduces some guy at Charo's show and once again makes an ass of herself on national television. And yes, I'll be there watching, for some inexplicable reason or another.