Episode Two: Strange Love
Review by Noel Wood

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this.

For some inexplicable reason, I have again chosen to run down the latest season of The Surreal Life here at MCFTR, and I'm starting to question that decision. In this case, it's because this season looks like it's going to be painful to watch. Oh, it's certainly amusing in a sick, twisted sort of way, but it's still painful. This week's installment illustrates that perfectly, because we all witnessed the beginning of the torrid Flavor Flav-Brigitte Nielsen romance.

Yes, I'm dead serious. This episode is all about the two of them and their strange attraction. There are other people involved in the episode, but it's mainly focused on these two freaks of nature.

The day starts off normally enough, with the gang rising and shining. Dave Coulier gets in some morning calisthenics while others stir about in the kitchen. Flav and Brigitte begin their flirting early, though. He says he could really "vibe with" her, who he lovingly calls "Gitte". She thinks that Flav, who she calls "Mr. F", is adorable. Flav says that they prove that "Hart to Hart wasn't just a TV show" and talks about how his Viking horns are growing for her.

Ryan Starr decides to call her friend Hailey on this day to invite her over for a swim. She arrives, they embrace, and head over to the pool to take a dip. But to their surprise, Flav and Brigitte are getting a little too comfortable in there. our naive pop star and her friend leave the lovebirds alone for a while, waiting for them to exit the pool. Flav and Ryan trade some harsh words, and he decides that she's got a bit of a big head on her.

The gang gets their agenda for the day, which apparently involves date night for all of the gang. They basically will pair off, with each guy having one course of their dinner with one of the gals: one for cocktails, one for the appetizer, and one for the main course.

The first pairings are Jordan and Charo, Dave and Brigitte, and Flav and Ryan. Dave honestly tells Brigitte that she needs to stop blaming everything on being "European", and she blasts him as well, saying that he "needs a few slaps". Ryan and Flav make sure it's understood that they don't like each other much either.

They rearrange the pairings, and Ryan winds up with Dave while Charo hangs with Flav and Brigitte gets Jordan. Charo flubs an old cliche and tells Flav not to put his shoes in his mouth, and Flav admits he has a little trouble understanding her sometimes. Now, Charo has apparently been an American citizen for 36 years...when is she going to become intelligible? Meanwhile, Brigitte asks Jordan if he would ever consider kissing her, and after excluding the girlfriend from the equation, he replies with "I could".

Jordan Knight pairs off next with Ryan, while Dave is with Charo and Flav finally gets down with Brigitte. Jordan makes it no secret that he's got some lust in his heart for Miss Starr, despite the fact that she's about a decade younger than him. He even works out before the "date", trying for a last-minute bulk-up to impress her. It's more than obvious that Jordan is like that popular guy in high school who never grew out of that lifestyle. He makes a bad "cock-tail" joke and thinks his shit don't stink. Ryan ain't buying it for a second, though. Flav thanks Brigitte for "letting me get inside you". Charo seems to be the most impressed with the evening's events, saying that it was "the best night according to me".

As the evening winds down, Jordan and Flav decide to shoot a little game of pool. Brigitte, in the same room, sleeps right through it, but Ryan takes exception to it. Flav argues that it's only 11:00, and then launches in to "Operation Can't Do Nothing About It." Ryan makes no bones about the fact that she just hates Flav, and can't wait to get him out of her life.She promises to turn on the "Bitch Switch" whenever he's around.

Flav finally decides to turn in for the night, saying his prayers before he climbs into bed. But it doesn't just end there, because Brigitte sees fi to climb in to bed with him. Before long, she's getting naked again and the two of them start getting busy.

And this, folks, is why this season is painful to watch.

Fortunately, they avoid going into graphic detail before airing the epilogue. Next week will be the week where the Surreal gang forms a band and plays for an audience, and apparently Ryan will freak out because, you know, she's a pop singer who doesn't sing pop music.

And, yes, I'll be back here to tell you all about it.