Episode Ten: The Last Supper
Review by Noel Wood

Finally, there is a reason to celebrate. The Surreal Life's third season is done. Gone. Kaput. Dead and buried. Well, not quite, actually. There's still a "bonus" episode coming up next week, but you can kiss my surreal ass if you think I'm going to be bothered to write about it.

It's hard to explain where this season went wrong. The cast was certainly promising on paper, and there was plenty of potential for volatile activity. But I just felt that for the most part this cast didn't seem into it. They all kind of did their own thing. Whereas the first couple of casts spent as much time as possible chumming it up with one another and getting really involved emotionally, this cast stayed to themselves. Jordan spent all of his free time locked in his room, Ryan would rather hang out with her outside friends, Dave seemed like he was afraid of everyone in the house, and Charo didn't really fit in at all. Brigitte and Flav were the only ones who really spent a lot of time together, which forced the show to focus on them almost exclusively. But basically, the chemistry just wasn't there for this sextet.

As we begin this final episode, Brigitte Nielsen is naked. Big surprise. Flav is still ticked off at Ryan Starr for that whole Sally Jesse Raphael thing, and so he goes nuts on his drums at 7 AM. Ryan wants to kill him, but Flav's response is "kill me, I'll be back!". Brigitte and Flav get all cuddly again and Flav tells her that he's a "prisoner of love".

The Surreal Times arrives with today's mission: a last supper to wrap up their experience together. But before it's time to eat, the gang gets to bum around the house and pretend to be interested in what's going on. Jordan lies and tells everyone that he's glad he did the show and that he feels a connection with all of his housemates. He also finds out that Flav used his toothbrush. Dave decides that he's going to take the puppy (who has been called Cuchi, Boogie, Bosco, and Fatso up until now) home, and his son wants to name the dog "Winger". Yeah, like the band that brought us "Seventeen". Flav tells Dave that his son chose a corny name and is determined to keep the dog's name as Bosco.

They begin to prepare dinner. Flav grills some ribs, while Charo attempts to play referee to the feud between he and Ryan. Flav sells himself as a legend and an icon and knocks Ryan's lack of a career. When Ryan accuses him of kissing his own ass, he says that he can't bend that far back. The girls decide it's bonding time and apply makeup and have a pillowfight. Charo announces that "We are sister. We are Family."

It's finally dinner time for the gang, but before they eat, they get a chance to view the photographs that were taken during the last episode. Suddenly everyone's feeling that faux sense of connection and all that crap, but Flav is quick to break all that up. He starts being as obnoxious as humanly possible, rapping at the top of his lungs at the table and pissing off everyone. Yes, even Dave, who tells him to shut up. Gitte tells him that she doesn't like Flav. She likes William Drayton. Flav says he has to be himself. She drinks. No shocker there.

It's time to break out the cake, and we all know how this will end. The cake winds up all over everybody and none of it in their mouths. Jordan hides because he's trying to get out in the morning without a shower, and then everyone goes to bed in the house for the final time. Everyone, of course, but Flav and Brigitte, who go to the hot tub.

Flav and Gitte fight and then make up. I'm not going to break it all down for you, because frankly it's no different than the rest of their little breakdowns. Finally, they go to bed, probably making the beast with two backs in a mental image that nobody here ever wants to have cross their minds.

Morning arrives, and Jordan jets at 4:30 AM. Charo is next to go. Ryan is the next to go, and she even breaks down and gives Flav a long hug before getting the hell out of there. She tells us that she thought the house would be full of "has beens" (as opposed to her, a "never-was", right?) but she realized that they were the most talented people in the world. I swear, I'm not chuckling as I write this. At all. Okay, maybe a little.

Brigitte gives Flavor a long kiss and heads off into the sunset, leaving Dave and Flav as the last two in the house. They exchange some gratuitious displays of man-love before Flav rides off himself. Flav says that this whole experience has been "mackadocious". Dave, in the footsteps of Vince Neil and Ron Jeremy before him, winds up being not only the coolest person int he house, but also the last to leave. Finally, he grabs the pup for his son and rides away himself.

And with that, we put this painful season out of its misery for good.

What sucks the most about this season? The most fun part of wrapping it is gone for me as well. I usually use this space to make predictions for the next season. Unfortunately, VH1 has already picked it. Seems rushed, doesn't it? Well, it must be, with this shithole of a cast. Most people I know don't even know who half these people are. Marcus Schenkenberg? Adrienne Curry? Da Brat? Why the fuck are they going to be on my TV? I can dig on Verne Troyer and Chyna and maybe even Christopher Knight. Jane Weidlin is a nice touch only because I had a massive crush on her at one time, but she doesn't really seem interesting enough to put in the Surreal house.

I also noticed across the last couple of years that the casts chosen seem to reflect certain archetypes, although they don't always fall in to the stereotypes once things start falling into place. This next season kind of breaks that mold as well. See if you agree with this:

The Reality TV Chick: Jerri Manthey, Trishelle, Ryan Starr.
The Mother Figure: Gabrielle Carteris, Tammy Faye, Charo.
The Low-Key Guy: Emmanuel Lewis, Erik Estrada, Dave Coulier.
The Femme Fatale: Brandi Roderick, Traci Bingham, Brigitte Nielsen.
The Bad Boy: Vince Neil, Ron Jeremy, Flavor Flav.
The Pop Star: Hammer, Rob Van Winkle, Jordan Knight.

Where Corey Feldman fits into all of this is unknown, but I'm guessing that they knew he was an anomaly and would never be properly replaced after season one.

As for next season? There's certainly a Reality TV Chick in Curry, but the closest you can get to a mother figure is Jane Weidlin. Christopher Knight seems like he's probably the laid-back low-key guy, and I guess Chyna is the Femme Fatale. Verne Troyer has a bit of a reputation, but I don't know if he really fits the 'bad boy' bill. And Da Brat is hardly a big enough name to fill the pop star shoes. And what about the male model that nobody I know has ever heard of?

In other words, there goes that theory.