Episode One: Six Degrees of Irritation
Review by Noel Wood

Yes, I realize that it's only September.

The past two seasons of this trainwreck of a reality show, which puts a bunch of C-list celebrities in a house together and watches the sparks fly, have aired in the winter. But The Surreal Life has been given somewhat of a makeover this season, after being moved from the WB Network to Viacom's VH1. The basic concept is no different, mind you, but the look and feel of the show has been altered slightly. Sadly, part of what's missing is the deep-voiced promo guy that helped shape the show's cheesy quality, but I'm willing to look at this season with an open mind. This means that I must be absolutely insane at this point; because, for some bizarre reason, I have opted once again to review each and every episode of this reality nightmare, which features its most volatile cast to date.

As our episode begins, we meet the newest set of housemates as they arrive at the house:

On board first is María Rosario Martínez Molina Baeza , better known as Charo, the Spanish guitarist who is noted for a world record number of appearances on The Love Boat.

Next up is William Drayton, better known as Flavor Flav, the legally-troubled clock-wearing rapper best known as a premiere member of the group Public Enemy.

Third to arrive is Jordan Knight, who sailed to pop stardom as a teen heartthrob while a member of The New Kids on the Block in the late 80's/early 90's.

Fourth in line is the former Mrs. Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, a statuesque model and actress who is best known for her role as Red Sonja alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Next to arrive is comedian Dave Coulier, the star of ABC's TGIF stalwart Full House as well as the host of America's Funniest People and Nickelodeon's Out of Control.

The final housemate to arrive is Ryan Starr, a finalist from the first season of Amnerican Idol, and who appears as the show's requisite reality TV diva.

The gang gets to know each other as they arrive, and begin revealing their own character quirks right off the bat. Charo still speaks unintelligibly, despite being an American citizen for almost thirty years. Flavor has no clue who any of his housemates are when they arrive, but Charo mistakenly calls him 'Flavor Flake'. Jordan has gained a good fifty pounds since his days as a New Kid, but when Flav finally recognizes him he flips out and hugs him. Brigitte rides up to the house on a horse and wastes no time in pressing her ample bosom in Flav's face. Dave arrives in an ice cream truck and immediately shoots Jordan a look of death for expressing his desire to get in a jacuzzi with the Olsen Twins. Ryan doesn't really seem to be into the experience at all, but she gets Flav back by not remembering who he is either.

There's a seventh housemate this year, a Golden Retriever puppy that Charo finds upon her arrival to the house. She decides to name the dog "Coochie", but I'm going to assume that she probably calls everything "coochie". Brigitte takes a liking to the pooch as well, frolicking with it in various states of undress to the point that Charo calls it a "Surreal Porno". Oh, and Brigitte also renames the dog "Boogie". A bit later, Ryan reveals her own affection for the pup, as well as her own name for it: "Fatso". This poor canine is going to have some serious identity issues by the time this season is over.

Brigitte and Flav begin to immediately stick out as the most colorful of the housemates. As mentioned earlier, Brigitte has a penchant for running around with little to no clothing on. Thankfully, there's no Tammy Faye or MC Hammer on board this year to be offended by it. She chalks this up to the fact that she's from Europe, a fact that she reminds us of at least a half-dozen times this episode. She also likes to drink. A lot. And unlike Trishelle and Traci from last season, both of whom seem to be at least remotely fun drunks, Brigitte is not the kind of person you want stumbling around after tying a few on. On top of that, she's 6' tall without the stiletto heels, so she's a bit of a danger to herself and others. On the other hand, Flavor Flav likes to make a lot of noise and walks aroudn with a horned Viking helmet on all day. He also prides himself on being the next "Flavzel Washington". That's enough for me.

When Flav makes a comment about how Brigitte needs the "big bed", sparks begin to fly. She warns him not to compare her with bed sizes, and Flavor announces that it's time to begin "Operation No Doubt". This marks the first of several Operations that Flav will unveil, and marks the first of approximately 74 times he says "no doubt" in this episode alone. The tensions continue to mount between the two, however. Brigitte shoves her purse in Flavor's face early on, and before the day is over, they trade slaps to each other's face. She disses his gold teeth, and speaks to him sassily in Italian. But by the end of the day, the two are cuddling and giving off some weird sexual tension in a moment that can only be described, as the name might imply, Surreal.

But believe it or not, there are other housemates here, they just don't get as much airtime as our two colorful stars do. Part of the first day's activities include finding their sleeping quarters, but there are certain preferences. Jordan is gonna sleep in a room by himself, and nobody's going to stop him. Ryan grew up in a house full of women and will not share a room with a male. Charo pretty well makes herself out as the mother hen of the group right away, and winds up in the nicest solo bedroom in the house and doesn't take too kindly to Flavor trying to butt his way in. Jordan winds up screwing Ryan out of a room, completely destroying his image for the girl who grew up with posters of him on her wall, and proceeds to isolate himself by blocking the doorway with his luggage. Ryan sets up camp in Charo's room, moving her bed out of the boys' room, which now only includes Dave and Flav. Come nightfall, however, Flav's snoring forces Dave to pull his mattress into the bathroom, where he finally gets his night's sleep.

But before bedtime arrives, the Surreal Lifers get their first issue of The Surreal Times, which welcomes them to the house and alerts them to a dinner party scheduled for later tonight by the pool. The gang goes out to enjoy their dinner, but Brigitte is nowhere to be found, after passing out from too much alcohol. Flav volunteers his services to rouse her from her slumber, and the half-dressed Amazon stumbles her way out to the dinner table to begin drinking again. The dinner is topped off by a dessert of sorts, wherein the waiters suddenly turn in to a male revue and begin stripping down in front of the gang. Not to be outdone, Brigitte rips off her robe and begins dancing on her own. Charo seems to get in to the dancing as well, but Ryan feels like she's "too young" for all of this and doesn't appreciate the strippers touching her. She retires inside, while Flavor comments that she's just "a little girl living in an adult world"...while wearing a Viking helmet.

Bedtime finally arrives, and everyone retires to their quarters. Before Dave opts out of sleeping in the room with Flavor, the two of them spend some quality male bonding time together. Dave blows a harmonica while Flav raps, and Dave reveals his affections for the hip hopper to an almost creepy extent. I'm thinking that, if anything, "Dave and Flav" could be a pretty successful spinoff of the show, with the two of them running around fighting crime or going on wacky adventures. Or something.

But that's it for our introduction to this season's cast, an interesting bunch to say the least. I'm thinking we may be looking at a powder keg with some of the personalities involved, but it'll certainly be a fun ride regardless.

In upcoming episodes this season, the housemates will be forced to form a band and perform a song, which will irritate Ryan because she apparently doesn't sing pop music. There will also be another appearance by Sally Jesse Raphael, and from the looks of it, maybe some other former castmates might show up for a fun time along the way. And, don't worry, it looks like the weird love/hate thing going on with Brigitte and Flavor isn't letting up anytime soon, and neither is her habit of getting naked in front of everyone.

Join us next week, where we'll give you all the Surreal News that's fit to print.