Episode Six: A Surreal Farewell
Review by Noel Wood

The final Episode of The Surreal Life 2? Already? Say it ain't so! It just seems like yesterday when we were introduced to the six C-list celebs that would take over an hour of our time every week. But alas, all things must end, and this season is no different.

Last year's Surreal Life had seven cast members and covered seven weeks. This year, there were only six cast members and, likewise, only six episodes. However, last season's episodes, save for the hour-long premiere, were only half-hour shows, which totals up to only about four hours of footage. This year, they were all an hour long, so there's been a total of six hours. Still, it feels like a shorter season, partially because of the fact that the condensed Season one episodes still covered about as much ground as an hour-long Season two episode.

But regardless, this is the last one of the second season. No more Tammy Faye dancing with Ron Jeremy, no more Vanilla Ice rappin' with Erik Estrada, no more Traci Bingham binge drinking with Trishelle. But before we sign off, we've got a whopper of an episode which features a special guest star and shows a sense of unity we haven't seen before with our housemates.

This edition begins with the gang arriving home from Palm Springs, where they spent some time galavanting with nudists in the last episode. They seem glad to be back, and fall into their routines. Ron performs some impressions while the pet turtle leaves a mountain of poop behind it. Traci calls her fiancee John to suck up to him after her adventure at the nudist colony, and he doesn't seem very happy with what he hears.

Of course, that's nothing compared to what Traci hears when she gets off the phone with her beau, as she eavesdrops on Vanilla badmouthing her from the "Dirty Laundry Room". You'd think they'd soundproof the thing, but apparently not. Traci runs off to her roomies Trishelle and Ron to vent, stating that she hopes Mr. Ice falls off of his motorcycle and hurts himself. Rob overhears the conversation, and comes in to begin a war of words with Miss Bingham. Rob voices his anger regarding Traci's comparison of eating a cheeseburger to pulling the head off of Vanilla's daughter from the Barbecue episode, and Traci replies with "I'm not going to eat your kid." She then further tries to defend her position by reminding us that "that Turkey had a family."

Traci continues on her rant, pointing out that she's black (a fact that's hard to believe sometimes) to the point that Mr. Ice backs down and apologizes. I'm not sure if it was a direct result of her playing the race card, but it sure seems like a 180 from old Rob. Anyway, the two of them kiss and make up, and Vanilla reminds us that everyone in the house truly loves one another and that the world is all happy and sunshiney even though he makes mistakes sometimes.

Today's edition of The Surreal Times finally arrives, and the order of the day involves the gang buying each other presents to exchange over a final dinner together. Each celeb is given fifty dollars to spend on their housemates, working out to ten bucks a piece for gift purchases. They head out to a shopping district to pick up their wares, but when they arrive home, they're surprised by a house full of guests. The most prolific of these guests is talk show hostess extraordinnaire, Sally Jesse Raphael.

Sally has set up an impromptu interview show in the Surreal Life living room called "Dirty Laundry", and invites the cast to come sit and be dissected in front of a live audience. Sally first begins talking to Tammy, but then tries to grill her about sharing the house with a porn star. She reveals a video package that shows Ron behaving badly, mainly culled from footage from the pool party. Tammy stands up for Ron, throwing out compliments and staunchly defending him. Tammy Faye then tells anyone who thinks otherwise to "suck it up".

Next, Sally Jesse picks on Traci. She refers to her transformation from a sweet girl to a raging bitch as a "Jekyll and Hyde" thing, and then plays a similair video package. Traci shakes it off. She then goes after Vanilla, singling out his anger management issues, showing yet another video package of Rob going off. Afterward, Rob has a moment, which involves him thrashing about the room, moving guests' chairs around, and yelling a lot. Tammy cries as she sticks up for Rob as well.

Erik doesn't really have any laundry to air, so the next victim of Sally's wrath is Trishelle. This here's the main event, folks. Sally calls her a lush, and plays a video package showing the worst of Trihslle's drunken antics. Sally implies that Trishelle's actions may cause others to perceive her as a slut, and Trishelle misreads the charge. Tammy Faye sticks up for Trishelle as well, and by now that eyeliner is starting to move southward. Trishelle decides she's had enough of Sally Jesse's shit and storms off the set.

Ron goes to Trishelle's room to comfort her, but Trishelle says she's done and that she's getting out of there. Ron encourages her to stay for the sake of the turtle, but that's not good enough. Trishelle calls Sally a "Stupid ugly old bitch" and runs out to confront the host. Sally says she's not taking any of it back, and Trishelle says she feels sorry for her foe. Trishelle runs off and calls her ex-boyfriend to come pick her up, but is comforted by Erik. Poncharelli calms her down and makes her feel good enough to tough it out for the rest of the show. Sally Jesse decides she's ruined enough people's days and leaves.

The gang then prepares for their final dinner together, a fancy affair with candlelight and a tablecloth and everything. Tammy Faye leads the gang in saying grace, and they enjoy their feast. After dinner, they exchange the gifts they purchased earlier. Trishelle gets a new pair of "worn" jeans, Ponch gets a T-shirt that says "Sheriff", Ron gets a candle with an eyeball resembling his character from the children's play, and Tammy gets a skirt and hideous purse that get her all excited. As the moments get sappier and sappier, the gang all talks nice about each other and -- one by one-- the waterworks begin. First Tammy, of course. But then Trishelle, Traci, Erik, Ron...even Vanilla sheds a few tears. To top it all off, they sing the "Be Yourself Everyday" song over a final toast.

There's one last night together, and you know that it ain't over until we get some more drunken debauchery from Trishelle and Traci. Ron makes the mistake of falling asleep in the chair, so the girls attack him with some cake. Not just a slice of cake, mind you, but a whole freaking cake. A food fight ensues, as the girls focus on Vanilla next. Rob chases them down after being doused with icing and then slips and busts his ass on the hard floor. Ouch.

Morning comes, and it ain't pretty. Basically, they've trashed the house. Ron rinses off the turtle, who looks to have some cake left on him as well. Erik is ready to go at this point, and says he couldn't last another day in the house. Ron finally shows off his "cock" by pulling a stuffed bird out of his pants and making all sorts of double entendres. The final edition of the Surreal Life Times arrives, and it couldn't be any more clear: the headline simple reads GET OUT. The gang packs up their stuff and heads outside for their goodbyes. Erik is first to go, as you could probably expect. Traci heads out next, followed by Rob, then Trishelle. Ron helps load Tammy Faye's limo up and meets her husband, who looks like he's not that thrilled about shaking the hand of a porn star. Tammy finally departs, and Ron pines away for his special lady. Finally, his own limo arrives, and Ron wraps up the series with his final words: "Twelve days is the longest I've ever gone without having sex."

And with that, The Surreal Life Season Two comes to a conclusion. I'm going to miss this crazy batch of celebs, but I'm already thinking about who I want for season three. Besides, I don't know if I could have stomached any more of the sexual overtones going on this year. I will tell you this, though: I've gained a whole lot of respect for several of the housemates, particularly Ron and Tammy Faye. And I respect Vanilla Ice about ten times more than I did going in to this thing. Of course, any multiple of zero is still a zero, but I gotta say that he grew on me. Like a rash, maybe, but he sure did better than become the Corey I figured he would.

So with that, I'll sign off on the season here. But before I do, here's my hopefuls for next year's season. Take these as you wish, but I think we'd have quite a fun season if they go with these choices:

Willie "Buddy Lembeck" Aames
Tiffany
Lisa "Blair Warner" Whelchel
Pauly Shore
Dustin "Screech" Diamond
Joey Buttafucco
Susan "Stop the Insanity" Powter

I'm thinking that there would be quite a few explosive elements there. I imagine Pauly and Screech really hitting it off as buddies as well.