Episode Five: Surreal in the Nude
Review by Noel Wood

It's the fifth episode of the second season of the only reality show that matters, and things are getting more and more risque by the moment. Last season's Surreal Life featured a gang of C-list celebrities goofing about in a Hollywood house and taking the occasional fun field trip, but for the most part they kept it pretty much PG-rated. This year's offering has already seen porn stars, transvestites, suggestive children's plays, and odd sexual tension between cast members, but this week we take it one step further.

As this week's episode begins, we see our housemates rise and shine and prepare for their day. Vanilla Ice spends the better part of the morning doing a little rapping, and Ponch joins in to drop some flava of his own. Ron Jeremy continues on his quest to flatter his female roommates, as he makes some observations about women being most attractive in the morning. Meanwhile, Traci tells Ron his hairy chest is sexy. As a result, I fight inclination to go and vomit.

The Surreal Life Times has arrived, and it looks as if today's agenda is still up in the air. Apparently, the gang will find out the surprise when they receive a phone call from a mysterious celebrity. The suspense builds until the phone finally rings, and who should be on the line but last year's Surreal Lifer Vince Neil! Vince, who happens to be a buddy of Ron Jeremy, invites the crew down to a desert resort in Palm Springs. The gang packs their stuff for the road trip. Tammy Faye hauls enough baggage to get a normal person through a month, and it appears someone is packing the house's pet turtle. Soon, they finish loading up the van and head toward their destination. To kill the time, Vanilla suggests that everyone beat box. Meanwhile, Ron reads some rhymes about his housemates that come nowhere close to Vince Neil's classic Surreal Life Blues.

Along the way, they stop at a restaurant called the "Farm House", filled with an odd assortment of patrons. Ron is caught on camera picking his nose, and Erik Estrada fucks up Trishelle's name as he introduces the celebs to the eager patrons. One of the patrons has a copy of Madonna's controversial Sex Book, which just so happens to have pictures of a scantily clad Vanilla Ice within. Ice thumbs through the book and takes a jog down memory lane, while Tammy Faye looks on in disgust.

Finally, the gang arrives at their destination, where they meet up with Vince Neil and his girlfriend Leah. They ask Vince what it was like doing the show last year and if it was tough to leave it behind, and Vince states that they all stay in touch and speak on a regular basis. As he says this, I wonder out loud "Even Corey?", and then Ron echoes my sentiments. Vince then replies with a hearty "No". Ouch. As my friend and occasional MCFTR contributor Jay "Me So" Hornsby put it, "Even when he's not on the show, Corey's funny."

Of course, we all know what's coming next. This ain't no ordinary resort, this is a nudist colony, as the gang quickly finds out. Everyone is shocked at first, but finds the concept amusing. Well, except for Tammy Faye, who immediately runs outside and starts crying. The gang comforts her, and she gets a hotel room across the street so that she doesn't have to participate in the madness. I think whoever designed the activities of this group did so with Tammy Faye's reactions in mind.

With Tammy Faye gone, the rest of the group heads back to the camp, where their pointing and gawking at the various unclothed denizens is met with some odd reactions. Erik Estrada notes "What a mixed bag of nuts this'll be", while Vanilla observes that "Everyone here has a pee-wee wee-wee." The gang is led to a volleyball court, where they have been invited to play a game against a group of nekkid people. If the Surreal Lifers win, they get treated to a lobster dinner. If they lose, they get treated to a lobster dinner...but will have to eat it in the buff. As a bonus, the celebs are offered bonus points in the game for removing certain pieces of clothing. Ron and Erik and Vince take off their shirts, but nobody else offers up their flesh. Vince's girlfriend also goes topless, but I think that's second nature for her. Ponch makes his position on the nudity issue well-known: "I ain't showin' no dick. I'm Erik Estrada. I ain't got no dick." Huh?

Our roomies, as we could see a mile away, are losing badly in the volleyball game. The judge reminds the gang that they could close the gap by removing additional clothing, and Ron and Traci yet again flirt with the whole "I'll show mine if you show yours" thing they've been doing since day one. Meanwhile, Rob Van Winkle, who has been missing easy shots and delivering some of the pussiest serves I've ever seen on a volleyball court, is still wearing his shirt and nobody says a thing about it. Ultimately, the Surreal Lifers lose the game, and head back to their rooms before dinner.

Vince Neil decides he has to go, but it was nice to see one of our charter cast members back for a moment or two. Meanwhile, Trishelle rants about how she's horny and Ron gropes Traci while trying to convince her fiancee that it's okay for her to get naked at the nudist colony. They head to dinner, where Trishelle loads up on wine and decides to become the first one to disrobe. Ron follows suit and drops trou himself, but everyone else stays fully clothed. I'm wondering exactly why the stipulation was placed in the volleyball game to begin with at this point, but I really don't care enough to bitch about it. Erik, who has offered up a handful of quotable zingers this week, observes that Ron's penis resembles a plantain and calls it the "Cadillac of Cocks". Nice one, Poncharelli.

After dinner, the cast goes out for a night on the town with all clothing intact. They reunite with Tammy Faye, who Trishelle apparently misses because she hasn't seen her in "forever." They go to a Karaoke bar, which is packed to the gills with eager onlookers. Vanilla thinks he's being set up by being dragged in to the bar, and sits at the table looking all jaded. The rest of the gang mingles with the crowd. Ron Jeremy signs some boobies. Erik Estrada dances with a fat chick. Trishelle and Traci put down some more booze. Erik goes up to sing, and busts out with Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" with Traci on backup. He sings badly, but she's way worse. Trishelle and Traci then do the unthinkable: They get the DJ to cue up "Ice Ice Baby" and start rapping along. Vanilla Ice looks like he's about to murder someone. And then, as somebody shoves a microphone in his face, Mr. Ice pulls a huge swerve on us: he starts rapping along.

At first, he's just kind of half-assing it, but slowly builds up to the point where he's really into it. He even throws in some freestyle at the end of the rap to punctuate the whole thing. Suddenly, Vanilla has gone from being this annoying jerk to someone with a sense of humor. I never saw that one coming. In fact, my whole view of Mr. Van Winkle has been completely shifted over the course of the last five weeks. I figured he was basically going to be Corey with the volume turned up, but he's actually not that bad when you get down to it. Sure, he still has a few Corey-like quirks, but there's this rational down-to-earth guy in there that's just aching to get out. I can't believe I'm actually writing this, so I'm going to go ahead and fill in the last of the episode's highlights and stop writing before I really scare myself.

Okay, karaoke's done, Tammy's back in her hotel digs, and the rest of our gang is back at the nudist colony. Vanilla tosses stuff about the room, and Ron and the girls (both of whom are predictably inebriated) head down to the jacuzzi, where Traci goes bottomless but still refuses to take off her top. Ron and Trishelle promptly disrobe, and the drunken Real World alum sluts herself out to anyone within stumbling distance. Traci then says she's going to make a phone call and heads back to the room to pass out, and Ron fishes Trishelle's drunken (and bare) ass out of the pool before she can get in to too much trouble.

Sadly (or thankfully, I can't yet decide,) next week is our final voyage with the cast of The Surreal Life 2, but it promises to be an eventful episode. Before our cast says their final farewells, though, they're going on Sally Jesse Raphael. Trishelle's gonna get yelled at for being a drunk by Sally and then she's going to call Traci some bad names. Sounds like a plan. I'll be back next Monday with a review, so make sure to check back then.