Episode Four: The Surreal Porno Pool Party
Review by Noel Wood

After a week off for some football game that people apparently get excited over, we get back in to the action here with the fourth episode of the second season of the greatest celebrity clusterfuck there ever was, The Surreal Life. With a week off, I wasn't quite sure of what to do with myself. I made sure to go back and watch the three-episode marathon of previous weeks' shows instead of that super Bowl thing, but I had nothing to review.

But our Surreal players are back this week, and promise to deliver an episode that more than makes up for the lost time. When we last left our C-list celeb squad, Trishelle got shitfaced and hit on Vanilla Ice, and the most horrific children's play ever presented was put together under the command of porn star Ron Jeremy. This week, we're promised transvestites, boobies, and Dick, so it looks like there's something to please everyone.

Our day begins no different than any other. Ponch is up early, Trishelle and Traci are probably hung over, and Ron steals a kiss from Tammy Faye. And while the last couple of episodes seemingly belonged to Vanilla and Trishelle, this one looks like it's going to be all Ron. For starters, the adult film legend has decided he's going to hold a Barbecue for some of his closest friends. Meanwhile, Ponch grabs today's edition of The Surreal Times and gets the scoop for the day's agenda: The gang has been recruited to escort Tammy Faye to a public appearance for her new book I will Survive, and You Can Too! The roomies seem pretty excited about this, except for Ron, who has already made a commitment to the party and has to prepare the house for his guests. Tammy Faye wishes Ron could go along, and calls him an "honorable man."

No, I don't think you understand: Tammy Faye Messner just called Ron Jeremy "an honorable man". They don't call it The Surreal Life for nothin'.

Tammy and the rest of the cast hop in the van and head toward the destination for the signing. They jam out to "Ice Ice Baby", and Tammy Faye raps along. I'd have paid good money to see Tammy rap the line "Cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon", but to my treat, I get it for free! Meanwhile, Ron makes more arrangements for the party, talking to the one and only Andy Dick.

Tammy arrives at the signing, and she's mobbed by drag queens. Ponch mentions that he also has a large gay following, but for different reasons. Tammy talks up her Surreal Life co-stars to the crowd, particularly the absent Ron. She spins yarns about the world of reality television, and confesses that she hasn't showered in four days because she's afraid there's a hidden camera in the bathroom. She tells an anecdote about carrying a dead man on her back for thirty years and how it nearly killed her, and the roomies are genuinely touched. They all talk up Tammy and confess that they admire her. Tammy stifles some tears.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Ron is also holding back tears, as he chops up onions for the Barbecue. He also shows his lack of proficiency in the domestic arena, as he breaks a vacuum cleaner. Finally, the first of the guests arrives. It's Dennis Hof, the owner of the Bunny Ranch, who arrives with two women that we can only assume are members of the world's oldest profession. Several more guests arrive, including one of the members of rap group Digital Underground and various adult film "actors". They mingle with one another in the backyard by the pool, and seem to be having a grand ol' time.

Finally, the roomies get home; and to everyone's surprise, Tammy Faye seems to mesh fairly well with the porn crowd. Or, at least, for the moment. Traci, who had earlier aired her disgust with the idea of naked people running around the yard, decrees that the party should be clothing optional. Tammy gets a little upset at Traci for this, and when flesh starts flying, she retreats back into the house. One of the women at the party propositions Ponch, who turns her down because he's a family man. Traci then suggests a game of Strip Truth or Dare, which leads to a bunch of breasts being exposed. Traci's just about to reveal hers, when all of a sudden her fiancee shows up. Whoops. The guy from Digital Underground is disappointed, because he hoped he'd be getting some Baywatch action tonight.

Traci changes clothes and heads out for an evening with her man, turning a complete 180 in her personality in his presence. They leave, only to be replaced with Andy Dick, who shows up fashionably late to mingle with his Surreal Life friends. See, apparently, not only is he a friend of Ron's, he also has a "history" with Trishelle. As Tammy Faye tries to sound-proof her bedroom, Andy serenades the crowd on his guitar. Vanilla also gets in on the musical action, and Trishelle tries to get in on some Vanilla Ice action. When the Iceman turns her down again, she tries to get her hands on some (Andy) Dick. It isn't long before Trishelle and Andy are headed off to bed, where she promptly passes out on him.

Most of the party has left by this point, and the gang sits around the fire shooting the breeze. Ponch and Traci take turns blowing things out of their noses while Andy gets walked out by the Hedgehog. Vanilla and Ponch notice there's still food to be cooked, so they fire up the grill and prepare some meat for a late night meal. Traci bitches about them eating meat while decked out in a leather hat and belt. She relates Vanilla eating a cow to him cooking and eating his own daughter. Take note, people: Vanilla Ice is actually on the rational side of an argument! Traci wonders why a human would eat a cow, when after all, cows don't eat humans. She then jokes about eating the pet turtle and parrot in the house, making the astute observation that if you cook a parrot it becomes a chicken. I'm not making this up.

Finally, the night winds down with our three menfolk hanging out in the kitchen, where Erik Estrada tries to teach Ron Jeremy and Rob Van Winkle a little Spanish. Based on a conversation from earlier with Vanilla, Ron has invited Rick James over for a visit. Finally, Rick shows up (at what must be three in the morning by this point) and Vanilla is in awe. Apparently he's one of his idols. By the way, to my surprise, Rick is a big guy. I guess I always assumed he was like Prince, who's like 5'2" and 95 pounds soaking wet, but Rick is taller than any of our roomies. I'd put him at about 6'3" or so. They chill in the living room, where Rick makes a comment about Vanilla looking the same as he did when he was a one-hit wonder rap star, and Iceman gets pissed. Of course, he won't voice it to his hero, but he's still visibly pissed. Finally, the Super Freak heads home, and the boys go to bed.

This episode was different than the rest, considering that it only covered the activities of a single day. Lots of good stuff, however. Definitely a step up from the last episode, which was lacking with the whole psychic experience segment. Also, it wasn't quite clear if this was in fact Ron's episode or not. For a while there, it was looking to be Tammy Faye's, but her almost complete absence in the second half swung the favor back to Ron.

Make sure to check back next Monday, when we'll be back to cover next week's episode. The downward spiral of morality continues, as the gang visits a nudist colony and then pisses off Vanilla Ice at a karaoke bar. Oh, and last season's laid-back rocker Vince Neil shows up, so I'll be glad to tune in.