Episode Three: Surreal Life takes the Stage
Review by Noel Wood

Now that a couple of weeks have passed, we've gotten to know our second season cast members pretty well on the reality TV sensation The Surreal Life. Likewise, they've gotten to know each other pretty well, and have become quite a familiar bunch. On this week's episode, the gang shares a few bonding moments. Or something like that.

As this week's exciting episode begins, we see our friends rise and shine and prepare for their day. Apparently the theme for the day is penis, because within the first two minutes of the program both Erik Estrada and Ron Jeremy have their nether regions revealed (and thankfully blurred.) These two flashing gents then share in a moment as Ron performs a deep massage on the back of Ponch. I'm not sure what kind of vibe I'm getting from these two, but it's definitely putting things on a different track. Meanwhile, Trishelle checks her answering machine messages and gets worried because she gets some cryptic message from an ex-boyfriend.

Trishelle's preoccupation fits nicely with the news that the Surreal Times brings forth. Today involves a visit from Cheri Mancuso: Psychic to the Stars. Unfortunately, Ms. Mancuso is all we get this week in the way of special seventh guests, which is quite a letdown considering the Coleman-Bridges twofer from last week's episode. Still, let's make the best of it.

As I mentioned, Trishelle is all worried, and the psychic's presence ain't helping much. She goes in for the first private reading, and comes out in tears. As a result, nobody else wants any part of this thing; particularly Tammy Faye, who is opposed for religious reasons. Our ambassador of good will, Rob "Vanilla" Van Winkle, decides to become the Head Skeptic in Charge and takes Cheri to task on the legitimacy of her craft. He asks such probing questions as "Have you ever read a Cannibalist?", which must be some new religion based upon eating people. The gang is still unnerved by the psychic's just being there, especially Tammy Faye, who tells us that she has Peace and Joy while crying her eyes out.

The gang goes in for a seance that turns out not to be a seance at all, but more or less a ruse to get everyone in a room so that they can be read. Cheri reveals some pretty private stuff about Traci, Ponch, and Vanilla, but Vanilla still thinks she's full of shit. She begins reading Ron Jeremy, (who for some odd reason has been given Coolio-styled hair braids) who nods off during the reading. Or at least some clever editing leads us to believe so.

Finally, the psychic experience is over, and everyone settles in for the evening. Trishelle learns that the ex she's been worrying about all day is A-OK, so she decide to drink. And drink. And drink some more. Trishelle gets completely trashed, in fact, and spends the next couple of hours both sparring with verbally and trying to get into the pants of Vanilla Ice. When Vanilla resists her charms, she heads to the bedroom to vomit before passing out for the evening. the gang seems to not be surprised at Trishelle's lust for the Iceman, as Traci calls him "intelligent" and Ron calls him "dashing". This is why they call it the Surreal Life, folks.

The next morning, Trishelle is predictably hung over. Traci is also feeling the effects of a hard night of drinking, but she's not nearly in the same boat as the lush she shares a room with. Ponch suggests that the two of them are alcoholics, and gives them a quick tutorial in the AA 12-step program. Of course, the Surreal Times is delivered, and the gang learns of today's activity: they get to put on a children's play by the end of the day.

Ron, who it turns out has a B.A. in performing arts as well as a Teaching Certificate, is hand-picked to direct the little play. Ron hates directing, but he's got a bit of experience in the craft, having directed B-movies, music videos, and of course, adult films. This play is designed for children, but appears to have quite a few references for the older crowd. The premise is that of a Mother Goose takeoff called "Mother Gooz", with character names like "Wiznitch" and "Sofa King". Really. You know, back in the day, I had an article with the header "I am Sofa King We Todd Did" that generated a good 15% of my site's search engine hits, and thanks to this episode of The Surreal Life, I'm guessing that feat may happen again.

The play's cast is chosen, and they begin rehearsing. Tammy Faye is the obvious choice for the Mother Gooz role, Traci gets to play the spoiled princess, Ponch lands the role of the ugly suitor, Trishelle is cast as the aforementioned Wiznitch, and Vanilla snags the part of the handsome pirate. Ron gets to do double-duty as both the play's narrator and the "Hairy Monster," the terrorizing antagonist. No, I swear, none of these roles were typecast. Honest Injun.

The gang rehearse their roles. Ponch practices his swashbuckling techniques, Vanilla simulates anal sex with Ron and a prop sword, and Tammy Faye practices her "Yo yo yo"s. Vanilla even tries his hand at assisting Tammy with her freestyle rapping capabilities. Trishelle, meanwhile, uses every opportunity she can to climb back in bed and/or vomit. Ron is the resident taskmaster, trying to whip this ragtag bunch of C-listers into a formidable cast of thespians, but tensions begin to run rampant. Vanilla urges Ron not to "Pull a Gary Coleman on us", earning him bonus points for this episode. Meanwhile, Tammy trips and falls on her face.

The time has come, as a horde of small children come marching into the stage area led by a creepy clown. Trishelle gets suited up in her costume, which looks better suited for a fetish club than a children's play, and then promptly returns to the bathroom for another emptying of her stomach. As the time arrives to hit the stage, Vanilla is nowhere to be found. As the play begins, he's in the kitchen stuffing his face with a pre-performance snack. Finally, after a rocky start, the play starts moving along fairly well. By fairly well, I mean this is the worst goddamn thing I've ever seen but at least they seem to be remembering sixty percent of their lines. I'll tell you this much: This has nowhere near the charm of last year's Surreal Talent Show, and that's figuring in Corey Feldman's suckitude-lined love song.

The play's plot is stolen from SHREK pretty insignificant, but it leads to this whole "Be Yourself Everyday" closing song which is supposed to be a great moral lesson for the kids in attendance. The lines sung by the performers are geared to their real-live experiences, with Tammy mentioning being the bride of a man who stole from the PTL and Ponch talking about being remembered as a "Mexico Cop". Fortunately, Ron Jeremy's lines are G-rated. And somehow, some way, through all of this mess and madness, the kids love it.

The gang appears to have learned a valuable lesson here what with the whole "Be Yourself" message, which leads to Vanilla going for the ultimate defamation of the pictures he's been defacing for weeks now: He spray paints the play's moral over his row of pics in several shades of spray paint. Everyone feels all warm and fuzzy as the day ends, especially Trishelle, who closes the night with another trip to worhip at the altar of the porcelain diety.

This week was a bit disappointing, feeling stretched out and suffering from a dull first half. This was definitely Trishelle's episode, but that still didn't stop Vanilla from having his obligatory annoying moments. Next week, I'm sure things will be rather interesting, as our episode involves Transvestites, a porno Bar-B-Q, and Andy Dick. Lots of body parts get exposed and Trishelle finally gets some Dick.

Andy Dick, you pervert.