Episode Two: A Surreal Dining Experience
Review by Noel Wood

In my ongoing quest to show the world my threshold of pain when it comes to entertainment, I again bring you a review of this week's exciting episode of The Surreal Life. And if there were ever an episode that truly exemplified the use of the word Surreal, I do believe I've found it.

Of course, last week we met the players in this, our second season of the greatest reality television series ever devised. You've got the Preacher, the Pornstar, the Ponch, the Pop Star, the Party Girl, and the Princess, all trying to get along in the tackiest house Los Angeles has to offer. But as I mentioned, the seventh spot on the show would feature a rotating cast member who would be tossed in to the mix for a single episode. Today, we reveal the first of those guest stars. We'll get to that in a moment.

Morning arrives at our humble home, and we're greeted by our colorful cast. Tammy Faye Messener whistles to the birds, while Ron Jeremy gawks at his two female roommates Trishelle and Traci. The gang settles in to the kitchen, where Vanilla Ice decides he needs salt for his eggs, and then breaks the rules by jimmying open a locked pantry to search for condiments. Finally, the latest edition of The Surreal Life Times arrives, and our cast learns of today's adventure: they get to work in a local restaurant, with all the profits going to charity. And just who do they get to look up to as their supervisor? Well, looking up won't get them far, because the boss is none other than diminuitive sitcom star Gary Coleman.

Everyone seems happy that Gary has arrived, with the exception of our rappin' sensation Vanilla. Vanilla thinks this is all a joke, and that Coleman is there for the novelty of it all. Duh. The Iceman catcheth on fast. Coleman conducts a series of interviews to determine what cast members get to perform what functions in the restaurant. Finally, he makes his decisions: Erik Estrada will serve as the busboy; Traci Bingham gets to prepare desserts; Ron Jeremy and Rob Van Winkle are the chefs; and Tammy Faye and Trishelle will take the orders and serve the food. This looks like a disaster just waiting to happen, so let's get these folks to the restaurant stat.

As the gang arrives, the crowd throws some looks of disbelief at the people who are about to enhance their dining experience. Everyone suits up in their uniforms, and Vanilla can't stop making phallic jokes with a banana. No, seriously, he can't stop. What you or I may find funny for a brief second becomes a running gag for Mr. Ice, who keeps up the banana schtick for the rest of the day. Our pals get a crash course in the restaurant business, which is assuredly falling on deaf ears. Ron and Ice drop food in the kitchen, Tammy Faye has trouble with the menu, and Vanilla torments his boss. The one person who seems the most excited about all of this is Ponch, who runs outside trying to drum up business. He seems to love him some bussin', as well as the toilet detail he gets put on.

As the shift goes on, things just keep going wrong. Ron puts more food in his mouth than on the plates, Trishelle and Tammy Faye can't seem to get the right food to the right tables, and some people can't even seem to get waited on to begin with. Sure, it's for charity and all, but Mr. Coleman will not accept failure. He's demanding quite a bit from our panel of celebs, so he pulls rank. He threatens to fire Vanilla after one too many incidents where Mr. Ice lifts the little guy off the ground. Trishelle voices her opinion that Gary may have a Napoleon syndrome. That's unfortunate, because as we now know thanks to last season, Coleman's fellow small player Manny Mo was quite the likeable fellow.

If things weren't going bad enough as it were, who walks in the door but Coleman's Diff'rent Strokes co-star, Todd Bridges. It's not really explained if this is planned or just a dumb coincedence, but it sure does perk up Mr. Ice's night. Immediately, Vanilla grabs Gary and tries to get him to utter that immortal catchphrase to his former TV bro. Gary refuses, despite the encouragement of the people in attendance, and ends up firing Vanilla. Of course, there's this whole ironic moment going on because of the fact that Vanilla is so adamant about not being remembered for the silly things in his past, but I'm sure everyone picked up on that right away.

Todd offers to take over for Vanilla's job in the kitchen, but Coleman has had enough. He storms out of the restaurant and hails a cab, audibly lamenting his decision to appear on the show. Meanwhile, our housemates bicker amongst themselves outside the restaurant, leading to some priceless looks from bystanders as well as the ultimate question: who's running the joint?

At the end of the night, the gang retires to the house, where they dig through the comment cards and read what the patrons had to say about their day as working stiffs. Traci practices her karate kicks and flirts with the Hedgehog. Ron determines that sleeping with Traci might not be out of the question.

The next morning arrives, and Vanilla's prayers for certain cooking aides have come true. The reason for this, as determined by the Surreal Life Times, is because today the gang gets to bake brownies and then deliver them to the people in the neighborhood. The brownies are baked, and the gang sets out on their mission of good will. Most people willingly accept the gang's offers, and enjoy the homemade confections brought forth by this rogue's gallery. But just as things seem like they can't go wrong, they deliver a batch to a snotty European woman who says she doesn't eat such things and then states that she has no time for celebrities before slamming the door in our faces. Umm, perhaps the first thing she should do is move the fuck out of the Hollywood Hills if she's trying to avoid the presence of celebs, but what the hell do I know?

Vanilla takes this rejection the worst of all. He calls the woman a "Stupid German Bitch" and makes a scene on the streets that forces Tammy Faye to cover her ears. When they arrive back at the house, Vanilla sulks in his room until his housemates come in to console him. He's upset that people think of him and his housemates as a joke, and talks about the "strong following" he has to this day of people who appreciate him for what he does now. Suuuuure. Vanilla then says he's friends with MC Hammer but would refuse to do a show with him because that would be degrading (as opposed to starring alongside Tammy Faye or Ponch) and then offers his opinion of Partridge Family alum Danny Bonaduce, which involves the Iceman wanting to kick his ass. Finally, the gang calms Corey, er, I mean Vanilla, down enough to enjoy their dinner.

At the dinner table , the gang has a silly roleplay assignment in which they have to assume the identity of another of the housemates. This manages to go nowhere in record time, and quickly degrades in to Traci (after a few glasses of wine) confessing that she would sleep with Ron if she were not in a committed relationship. As the night creeps on and more booze is consumed, Traci makes it her goal to catch a glimpse of Ron's penis and chases Vanilla around the house for an hour for no apparent reason.

That's where we hang up the boots for this episode, but it's quickly becoming apparent that Vanilla's position as the heir apparent to Corey Feldman's claim to "the most annoying person one could conceivably share a house with" is not in any danger. Vanilla, in fact, makes living with Corey seem almost desirable. This episode was all Vanilla, which made for some interesting moments. I kind of wish that Todd Bridges had decided to slum it with the Surreal Life gang for the remainder of the season, however.

Next week should offer some interesting moments, as the gang gets to visit with a psychic and put on a play. Looks like next week will be Trishelle's episode, as she appears to go hyper-emotional at the psychic experience and then confesses to being in love with Vanilla Ice. Gee, I can't wait.

Until then, keep it Surreal.