Episode One: Meet the Housemates
Review by Noel Wood

Sinking to the lowest depths of the entertainment spectrum has never been a chore for yours truly, and at no time have I ever conveyed that more than when I opted to write mini-reviews of last year's reality TV sensation, The Surreal Life. And while MCFTR usually sticks to the industry that provides us with feature films, the potential trainwreck of putting a menagerie of D-list celebrities in a house together was enough to get me to include it here on the site, even for someone who cares so little for reality TV as I do. Of course, it also helped that MCFTR's own perpetual punching bag Corey Feldman was one of the featured guests last year. Mr. Feldman is absent from the cast of the second season of this entertainment clusterfuck, but there looks to be plenty of potential for disaster this year.

The cast has ben shortened by one this year, as we go from seven to six roommates and an occasional guest star to fill the last slot. But this year's guests include some real doozies. Featured this year are the following celebs whose fifteen minutes were up a long time ago:

1. Evangelist wife TAMMY FAYE MESSNER, formerly Bakker, the queen of the PTL Club's kingdom as well as co-host of a talk show with (hopeful) future Surreal Lifer Jim J. Bullock.

2. Porn legend RON JEREMY, affectionately known as "The Hedgehog", the portly and hairy star of over 1700 adult films.

3. Actor ERIK ESTRADA, best known for his role as Ponch on TV's C.H.i.P.s., who more recently has done Mexican soap operas, TV commercials, and Sealab 2021.

4. Washed-up rapper ROB VAN WINKLE, better known as Vanilla Ice, best known for his one-hit-wonder "Ice Ice Baby" as well as being hung off of a hotel balcony by Marion "Suge" Night.

5. Real World Vegas's TRISHELLE CANNATELLA, who gained notoriety for her promiscous attitude and party-girl lifestyle.

6. TV star TRACI BINGHAM, the first black actress to earn a slot as a Baywatch babe and reportedly high-maintenance personality.

That's some explosivity right there, but I've chronicled that before here on the site. So rather than dilly-dallying around, let's get down to business on the show, shall we?

A bus is sent to pick up the various cast members on the street one at a time. As we meet our cast, we learn a little bit about their personalities. Tammy Faye snorts when she laughs. Ron dyes his hair -- All of his hair. Ponch fell on hard times after C.H.i.P.s. and went overseas to find work. Vanilla is like whoa, and in case you didn't hear, he's like whoa. Trishelle is -- well, nobody seems to know who the hell Trishelle is. Traci says hello but she has other engagements and won't be able to participate today.

This is kind of a problem for me personally, because last year the cast members were given very strict rules to stay shut off from the outside world while committed to The Surreal Life. Traci gets to work on a seperate shoot during the day, which effectively trims the cast down to five. I realize that this was probably thrown together fairly hastily, but how hard could it have been to replace her with another punchline of a celebrity at the 11th hour? Anyway, since she's getting special treatment here, she had better be quite a combustible element to make up for it.

The remaining five check out the house, which is a gawdy desert oasis decked out in neon and two-tone decor. Tammy Faye says that the motif is "creepy", but everyone else seems to be indifferent. Trishelle finds the stocked bar, and realizes that while nobody else is the hard drinker that she is, she still can't wait to get shitfaced. She treads lightly around Tammy Faye, who is very forgiving and reminds her that Jesus drank wine. Tammy says something about playing the organ while Ron makes a joke about his organ.

The gang decides to call dibs on their sleeping quarters. Ponch jumps right in to the master bedroom, which features Victorian-style decor and a vanity mirror. They affectionately call it the "Cinderella suite." Ron and Trishelle decide to be roomies, and he makes some comments about how he thinks she's hot but he didn't come here to get laid. Vanilla and Tammy Faye have a little more trouble finding a place to sleep, as it seems nobody wants to sleep in the "pimp round bed." Some of the players decide they want some food, so they scope out the refridgerator. Vanilla is upset because there are "no Roman noodles" [sic] which proves that he must have fallen on hard times. He also demands a meal of sushi at some point. I'm starting to sense a strong Feldman vibe here with the dietary needs of Mr. Van Winkle, but that remains to be seen. Finally, he settles on some leftovers (leftovers from what I have no idea, because they just friggin' got there) for the time being.

After some deliberation, Ponch decides to give up the Master suite to Tammy Faye, who is probably a little more in the way of who they designed the room to accomodate in the first place. Ponch decides to slum it with Vanilla for the time being. The gang decides to take a relaxing dip in the jacuzzi, where Vanilla runs his mouth about how he doesn't believe in Jesus and that we're all space aliens. Really. More Feldman vibe emanates from the Iceman, and Tammy Faye tells him that she hates his mouth. Vanilla then shouts about 220 more expletives that promptly get the beep treatment.

Finally, Traci arrives at the house as we approach the wee hours. Right off the bat, she is taken aback by the decor in the house, and is not afraid to express the fact that she "expected better." Traci immediately paints herself as high maintenance (big shocker!) and Ponch even suggests that the producers put her on the show as a plant to ruffle the feathers of everyone here. Now, if they really wanted to do that, they'd just bring back Corey. Traci even gets in to a verbal battle with Trishelle, because -- get this -- she doesn't like the color of the bathtub. Apparently she's convinced that she's a much bigger star than she actually is.

Vanilla, who has shown quite a bit of disgust with the "old ass" pictures of him that adorn the wall of the house, decides to tag his own pictures with big red "X"es. Tammy Faye thinks he needs a hug. The gang retires for the evening, with Traci sharing a room with Trishelle and Ron. It's revealed pretty quickly that Ron snores loudly, and the girls decide they may have to rethink the rooming situation.

The next morning, of course, features the delivery of the Surreal Life News, which outlines their adventures for the day. And much like last year, they'll have to do some grocery shopping. Vanilla starts the day off right by going full-bore prick in the Grocery store, effectively breaking the Feldman meter by becoming the anti-Corey. While Corey was obsessed with specializing his diet to exclude meat and processsed foods, Vanilla pitches a fit because he doesn't want to deal with this "farmer's market health food bullshit" and just wants to go to a supermarket so he can load up on cholesterol and preservatives.

As the day comes to a close, the gang goes out for a bite at a Moroccan restaurant, complete with belly dancers and those tables that are like a foot off the ground. Ron slow dances with Tammy as they prepare to board the bus and makes way too many observations in which he states that she's sexy. Traci shows up at the restaurant, and we all expect a hellstorm when she goes back to the house and realizes that she didn't have a say in the grocery choices.

Unfortunately, we don't get that. Rather, the night comes to a close with Ron and Traci turning a conversation about Ron's sexual prowess into a friendly wager over a game of billiards. If Ron win, Traci takes off her top, and if Traci wins, Ron has to show off the little hedgehog. Ron wins, and Traci goes to bed squelching on the bet, leaving the porn star begging at her door. Traci's demeanor is going to make for some fun television this winter.

So that's about it for the debut of the 2004 Surreal Life. We've set the stage for some good stuff, and damn if it doesn't look like this might top last year's season. The bumper at the end of the program shows a glimpse of what to expect on future episodes, and it looks like that revolving seventh-cast-member thing they decided to do is going to yield some good ones: Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, Sally Jesse Raphael, Andy Dick, and even last year's stalwarts Vince Neil and Manny Mo show up and help the hilarity to ensue. And you know that I'll be here to cover it all for you, as I prove once again that I truly am a masochist when it comes to these things.