Episode Five: Brande Gets a Surreal Date
Review by Noel Wood

Our Surreal Celebrity Train Wreck is in its fifth exciting week here, and For the Retarded is there to exploit it, drag its name through the mud, and kick it where it hurts. We won't dilly-dally with anecdotes or unnecessary banter this week, we'll just go straight to the action.

Another morning sets in on the Surreal Life cast. The gang shows their domestic side, as Gabby brews up a pot of coffee while Vince cooks up a plate of eggs. Brande and Jerry take the dog out for a walk, where Brande discusses her lack of success with men. I know it's hard and all for her, being a Playmate of the Year and all, but she just can't seem to keep a man. She flirts with some English fella who is unpacking his groceries. She's determined that she's going to change her approach with men. Meanwhile, Corey makes his first call to Suzie for the day. He's sure to inquire whether or not they plan to do prenuptual agreements before their wedding, which is apparently in two days.

Anyway, the goal for today is to get Brande a date. There's even acontest of sorts: The person who picks the most eligible bachelor for her to date will earn a spot in Vince's previous dwelling, the master bedroom. All of the housemates pile in to the van and are all seen making calls on their cell phones to prospective suitors. They arrive at the mall, where they do a little searching for men to set her up with. Vince and corey come to quite an epiphany as Vince states that he never thought that he'd be hanging out in a mall trying to pick up men. I guess the Surreal Life changes everything.

Other spots are scoured looking for Brande's man: Office buildings, the gym, even men on the street. Once each of the Lifers has found someone they deem Brandeworthy, they set out to return to their home. Well, except for the fact that Corey has to use the bathroom.

Okay, From Surreality to Reality here: This week's episode, thusfar, has been the least entertaining one to date. I really could give a shit about Brande Roderick finding a man, and a whole episode dedicated to her just seems a bit ludicrous. Maybe the producers of the show realized this, because they really stretched the issue of Corey's trip to the public restroom into a major story here. You see, Corey was supposed to be making a routine run to the lavatory, but something happened. Five minutes passed. Ten. Fifteen. Finally, after some rousing by his housemates, Corey finally emerges, Twenty minutes later. All of the gang gets a bit annoyed witht he time it takes, but nobody seems to take more offense than Hammer. Now, if there's anything in this world that's more amusing than a volatile confrontation between Corey Feldman and MC Hammer over the defication habits of Corey, then I'd like to know what that is. Corey gets angry and pulls a no-no: He cusses out the Holy Man Hammer. Hammer responds with a line that puts him temporarily at the top of my list of favorite Surreal Life cast members: He tells Corey that he needs some meat.

Later on, the gang has settled back in at home, and the suitors arrive. Each of the cast members sings the praises of their chosen man, selling their good points to Brande. The gentlemen come from different walks of life. One's a movie producer, one's an investemnt banker, there's even a chef -- which is exactly what Brande chooses as her prospect for Mr. Right, citing that the way to her heart is her stomach. And so we begin our date...

In a nice little parody of Blind Date, Brande and her date (who has still not removed his baseball cap during all of this) enjoy a steak dinner and get to know each other better. And much like a real episode of Blind Date, the jokes superimposed on the screen are far more entertaining than the date itself could ever dream of being. This guy just strikes out all over the place with Brande. He makes a big dating faux pas by mentioning the fact that asparagus makes one's pee smell funny, asks a lot of dumb questions such as randomly asking her what her favorite color is, and just seems to never get into a groove. Brande blows him off as diplomatically as possible, but he still tries to sneak in a bit of lip action at the end.

Well, that was a wash. Not even a really good episode at all, and it didn't do much to further anything because the date went so badly. Gabby won the contest, and decides to share her Master Bedroom prize with Brande and Jerry, where they recap the date before turning in for the night. Oh, and before we go, Corey's got another phone call to make to Suzie, in which she berates him for calling her and trying to get off the phone as soon as possible in favor of playing video games. Corey makes his own drama, folks. That's all there is to it.

Next week hopes to be a lot more entertaining, as it looks as if the Surreal Life gang is set to take on a team of Playboy Playmates in a softball game. I wonder where Brande's allegiance will lie? And before we fade out for the week, here's the ultimate Surreality of the night: Hammer and Manny dancing and rapping in an elevator well, making it clear that they "Gotta find a date".

I'll leave it at that.