Episode Four: The Surreal Life Goes to Vegas
Review by Noel Wood

First off, I apologize for not having this up on Friday as per usual. I made the tragic mistake of leaving the notes I took on this past week's edition of the greatest reality television show that ever did exist at home rather than bringing them to my place of business where I generally do my updates. Of course, I have more desire to work on the site when I'm getting paid to do other things than when I'm at home and have free reign of porn the rest of the internet. But here we go, better late than never, I guess.

We've been promised a full 90 minutes of The Surreal Life this week, but alas, 60 of those minutes are repeats of the last two episodes. So for a warmup, we get to relive the fine moments of The Surreal Camping Trip from Hell™ as well as The Surreal Talent Show before we get to the highly anticipated episode slated for this week. And we can't wait. This week, the gang is going to Vegas, baby. And from the previews, we know a few things ahead of time:

1. Corey's gonna cry.
2. Vince is gonna get drunk and cuss someone out.
3. Hammer's gonna dance at Fatburger.

All that right there is worth the price of admission, folks. So, without further adieu, here's Episode Four of our show in a nutshell.

Vince is still glowing from his victory in last night's talent show, and he displays his elation by singing the gang out of their slumber. The gang finds out early that it's Vegas, baby, and I wonder if they'll drive in a car repeating "vegas!" ad infinitum like Clark Griswold or Mikey and Trent from SWINGERS. They suit up, looking more forward to this jaunt than their previous daily tasks, and the group marvels at the swanky zoot suit that Vince is decked out in. Vince also gets a bonus in this episode: His girl is gonna be in Vegas tonight, so he calls her up and sets up a rendezvous between the two seperated lovers ( I mean, what, it's been five days now? Must be hell.)

They pile in to the swankest tour bus you'll ever see, and get their asses to Vegas. Vince's mood quickly turns sour when the bus seems to be heading aimlessly in no particular direction while his lady is in waiting. The obscenities start flowing from his mouth in spades. Of course, before The Surreal Life, that would have seemed normal, but this just does not seem like the laid-back easygoing cat that Vince Neil has been over the past few weeks. Surreal Life Vince doesn't seem the type to yell to "turn that fucking camera off". But here he is, in all his glory.

Once the camera comes back, after the wrath of Vince has died down a bit, we tune in just in time to see Corey and Gabby getting into it. You see, this show's not all Vince, all the time like one might expect after the opening sequences here after all. I'm not quite sure I understand just what Gabby and Corey might be arguing about, but really, do you really need a reason to argue with Corey Feldman? Vince, who has apparently calmed down his attitude during our downtime, throws down his immortal words: "Fuck Everyone, Let's Party!" Once the gang arrives at the casino, there's photo ops and autograph sessions galore. Ah, the work of a celebrity is never done. Vince gets a chance to meet up with his girlfriend. I miss her name, but my friend Keith chimes in with the sentiment of the rest of the room: "That's a man."

During dinner, emotion gets the best of Corey again, and he excuses himself from the table to go cry. YES! This is priceless stuff, folks. Corey is an emotional machine. He's such a sensitive artistic type. Nobody seems to understand him except for himself and Suzie. He's like an emo kid, to the extreme. He's Extremo. Of course, Vince chimes in, basically backing up Jerry's point from last week: If this were Survivor, Corey would have been voted off a long time ago. But all Corey ever wanted to do was help. You see, he thinks Gabby only sees the hurt child in him. In his bout of sadness, he calls Suzie.

Fuck this, Let's Dance!

I'd like to chronicle this section of the show, but I was too busy laughing to really pay attention to anyhting other than the fact that Emmanuel Lewis actually said, and I quote, "There's always a Manny sandwich when I hit the dance floor!" Not only does he say it, but We get to see it. Disturbing. I guess those Vegas chicks really dig 4-foot-tall black guys who look like they're 12 years old. After some fun and some more spouting from Corey, the gang splits up. Vince and his manbeast of a girlfriend, who are busy making out and taking way too many shots of liquor, stick around at the bar. The girls head off to a burlesque club (That's a nice way of saying strip joint, for those of you scratching your heads), and for the guys, Fatburger!

Gabby hates this strip club scene. Brande and Jerry are having the times of their lives, but Gabby says she's too devoted to her husband to look at dangling participles. Uh-huh. More like, "I know my husband will see this, so I'm gonna pretend like I hate it." Meanwhile, Corey is nervous at the "rough-looking" crowd in the burger joint. Of course, Hammer and Manny get the crowd going, giving a song and dance number for their adoring masses. Meanwhile, Vince is stumbling around Vegas with his lady-thing and mumbling obscenities. It's confirmed, the man is a rock star.

As the night ends, y'know, roungly 5 AM or so, the gang gets a revelation: They have to go to church. I'm sure this will sit well with Vince, who can barely stand. Of course, it ain't like he hasn't recovered from worse in his time. Of course, this is a wonderful opportunity for the reverend Hammer, who gonna pray, praaaay, just to make it today. Anyway, Hammer gets to deliver his sermon to the big singin' and dancin' congregation that they attend, and takes an opportunity to single out Vince for the loss of his daughter and subsequent lack of faith. Vince is brought up on stage, and as Hammer speaks, the Surreal Life gang cries. Of course, this means Corey gets clocked crying twice in one episode, which has to stand for his lifetime membership in the International Giant Pussy Club™. Now, the real kicker to all this is that while the crowd is totally saddened by Vince's story, Vince himself, obviously still under intoxication from the night before, looks like he's going to start laughing at any second now. Jeez, talk about Surreal.

Not that Vince wasn't moved by all this, because as we wrap up the episode, Vince takes us home by talkign about how moved he was by the whole thing. And finally, he has learned to pray again. Thank Hammer for that.

Lined up for next week are the promises of the gang making an attempt to get Brande laid a date. And yes, I'll be there, watching every moment just so I can transcribe it for you at home. Yes, you. And what thanks do I get? Sheesh. At least go register on the message boards and tell me how lame I am for doing this shit.

Until then, keep it Surreal.