Episode One: Introducing the Surreal Players
Review by Noel Wood

It's time to take a little bit of a departure for us here at Movie Criticism for the Retarded. Normally, we limit ourselves only to the medium of feature film, but occasionally something comes along that causes us to dip beyond the scale of the usual fare and break character for a bit. The latest one of these items has recently come across the pike: The new WB Network Reality TV show, The Surreal Life. For those not in the know, this show is something different in the world of reality television. Rather than a bunch of nobodys being thrown on an island or in a posh New York apartment, instead we get seven celebrities rounded up and forced to cohabitate for ten days. And not just any celebrities, mind you. Washed-up celebrities.

And just who are we talking about here? Well, here's the seven they've chosen to participate in this little experiment, as well as the reason behind me doing the review:

- Motley Crue frontman and auto racing aficionado, Vince Neil.
- Playmate of the Year and Baywatch: Hawaii star, Brande Roderick.
- Notorious participant of Survivor: The Australian Outback, Jerry Manthey.
- Beverly Hills, 90210 alumnus and full-time mom, Gabrielle Carteris.
- Diminuitive star of Webster and accomplished martial artist Emmanuel Lewis
- Squeaky-clean rapper/dancer and ordained man of the cloth, M.c. Hammer

And finally, the only cast member that really matters at all, the man we all came to see, the reason that we here at Movie Criticism for the Retarded even bothered to follow along, a veritable Icon on this very website:

- 1980's teen hearthrob, Michael Jackson emulator, and rock and roll superstar, Corey Feldman.

The idea of The Surreal Life is simple. There's no contest, there's no big prize money, nobody gets voted off, nothing at all like that. The idea is that these seven celebrities have to survive this little excursion. Now, we all know that if you put a normal Joe like you or me in a huge house in the Hollywood Hills for ten days with six strangers and 500 dollars to spend on groceries, we'd consider it a Godsend. But to these people, they may have well been locked away in prison. They can't have any visitors, they have to share bedrooms, and most importantly, they have to get along. Somehow, that last one doesn't seem like it's gonna be an easy task.

I could go on with a synopsis of all the goings-on in the Surreal House, but I've chosen only to focus on all the Corey-centric moments. If you missed the show, don't worry -- this covers about 95% of the entire premiere episode, considering the power of Corey seems to be the center of attention most of the time.

As we begin, Corey is the first person to arrive at the house. As he arrives, we hear an interview he conducted where he defines himself as more than an actor, more than a musician...he's a friggin' Celebrity, by God, and he'll be the first to tell you too. He arrives with his beloved fiance and director of merchandise on his concert tours, the lovely Suzi Sprague. After a long good-bye session with lots of kissing, Suzi leaves and Corey goes in and checks out his new digs. He's rather impressed with the house he's going to be shacking up in for the next week and a half. Soon, Vince Neil arrives, and two rock and roll superstars finally meet. Vince and Corey decide they'll be rooming together, and seem to be getting off to a great start.

Most of the other guests arrive, with the exception of Manthey, but nobody seems to know who she is. They decide to take the 500 dollars they've been allotted for groceries and his the supermarket. Along the way, Corey realizes his closeness to his flatmates: Carteris appeared on 90210, the same show that Corey's ex-wife Vanessa Marcil used to appear. Vince reveals that he dated Vanessa as well, which seems to make Corey uneasy. Corey jokes that he and Vince have probably dated a lot of the same women. Ah, the joy of being a rock star. You apparently have a well of beautiful women you can collect and trade with your friends!

It's pretty quickly revealed that Mr. Feldman is a High Maintenance Eater. Much more than anyone else in the household, most of which aren't too picky about what they eat. When they realize they've overestimated their price threshold, they start putting back some things. Corey gets awfully worried they might throw back something that he requires on his strict vegetarian diet, and is adamant that he oversee the grocery inventory. At dinner that night, Corey enjoys his vegetarian tacos, and reminds us that while he's not about the meat, he digs on the fat. Carteris questions his vegetarian stance, to which Corey responds he does it for moral reasons. When Gabrielle points out that some folks do it for health reasons, Corey takes exception and tells her that's the wrong reason. The blood pressure starts to rise a bit, as Gabrielle questions Corey's choice to wear leather shoes (as well as the jacket he sports quite often). Corey explains that it's different issue altogether, which we all know is bullshit, especially when you're doing it because you don't believe in killing animals.

It seems Gabrielle isn't the only one who isn't ultimately impressed with Mr. Feldman from the opening bell, either. Jerry Manthey finally arrives as the crew is finishing up dinner, and immediately is taken aback by what she refers to as Corey's "condescending attitude". What she obviuously fails to see is how much bigger a celebrity Corey is than her, so it's all her fault really. The gang starts to loosen up and have a few beers, and Corey, who is still on the wagon from his rehabilitation stint in the mid-1990's, decides to break away and call Suzi at home. She grills him on the surroundings, and forces him to admit that he thinks housemate Jerry is pretty. Uh-oh, do I sense a bit of jealousy in the air here? I guess only time will tell. Corey adjourns back to the room with his companions and admits that he and Suzi have a bit of an "open relationship": She brings girls home, but Corey's not allowed to touch them.

The next morning, as the gang takes a dip in the pool, Corey receives a huge bouquet of flowers from his beloved. What a sweet sentiment, Suzi! To celebrate all the good in the world that this must represent, the gang goes to visit their neighbors and suprise them with fresh-baked brownies. While trying to greet a neighbor who apparently isn't home, Corey busts out his Andrew 'Dice' Clay impression, showing once again why he's such an important Hollywood celebrity. Later that evening, the group is suprised with an interesting dinner specialty: a table full of sushi, presented on a young nude girl of Asian descent. Corey refuses to participate in the dinner, not only because of his strict dietary needs, but also because he doesn't feel right being around an unclad female without the permission of his girlfriend. Now I've heard of being pussy-whipped, Corey, but aren't you taking this all a bit too seriously? Hammer and Lewis join Corey in the sushi boycott, Hammer because of his morals and Lewis because, well, he doesn't like Sushi. And I can't say I blame him.

After dinner, as the group begins to loosen up with some alcoholic beverages again, they begin revealing some more interesting aspects of their lives. Corey joins Hammer and Lewis in the sober category, while the rest of the group imbibes. Corey's darkest secret is revealed: He's not only been an addict of illegal substances, he's also a sex addict. Mr. Feldman heartwarmingly tells us of the woes of having three different sexual partners lined up a day, and how it really tore him apart. Our heart bleeds for you, Corey. As the day ends, Corey helps end the episode with a blockbuster -- he plans to marry his lovely fiancee on national television, right here on the final episode of the program! Now there's something to look forward to.

And so ends the premiere episode of The Surreal Life. Depending on my attention span, I may decide to keep giving a brief synopsis of each episode once they air, or at least the Corey goings-on. There's only a few left to go, so it shouldn't be hard to pull off. Of course, as our teaser for future episodes shows, things won't necessarily go so smoothly for our gang of celebrity heroes. Make sure you're there to catch all the excitement.

If you don't mind, I'm going to go cry now.