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THE STAR WARS BOOK OF LISTS
Compiled by the staff

Everyone loves STAR WARS. If they don't, they're a dirty pinko commie scumbag and you'd probably do your best to avoid them at all costs. OF course, even the fans of this pop culture Phenomenon have been known to poke a little fun now and then, and so we've compiled a little STAR WARS humor to quench your palate.

Some of these are original lists, some are borrowed from undetermined sources such as hackneyed forwarded e-mails and fan sites, but they're all good for a chuckle. So put away your lightsaber and enjoy.

TOP TEN MOST SEXUALLY EXPLICIT LINES FROM THE STAR WARS TRILOGY
10. "She may not look pretty, but she's got it where it counts, kid." -HAN SOLO, anh
9. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought." -LEIA, anh
8. "It came from...behind!" -GOLD FIVE, anh
7. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?" -WEDGE ANTILLES, anh
6. "Get in there, you furry oaf! I don't care what you smell!" -HAN SOLO, anh
5. "I feel the good in you." -LUKE SKYWALKER, roj
4. "Now let's blow this thing and go home!" -HAN SOLO, anh
3. "Size matters not." -YODA, esb
2. "Get clear, Wedge! You can't do any more good back there!" -LUKE SKYWALKER, anh
...and the number one most sexually explicit line from the STAR WARS trilogy:
1. "The boy, myself, these two droids...and no questions asked." -OBI-WAN KENOBI, anh

TOP TEN LINES OF DIALOGUE YOU'D NEVER HEAR IN THE STAR WARS TRILOGY
10. "No, Han! Chewie can NOT watch!" -LEIA
9. "So Leia...ever see 'Jungle Fever'?" -LANDO CALRISSIAN
8. "Hoth? Hoth's so cold my nipples get hard just thinking about it." -LEIA
7. "I feel you inside of me, father." -LUKE SKYWALKER
6. "These Ewok things aren't too bad. Just grab the fur and go at it. Remind me of the sheep back home." -HAN SOLO
5. "The Wookiee? Nah, can't understand a goddamn thing he says. I just keep him around because he gives good head." -HAN SOLO
4. "Wait, Luke! You forgot your hand!" -VADER
3. "I have no comment." -C3PO
2. "A Jedi whines not." -YODA
...and the number one line you'd never hear in the STAR WARS trilogy:
1. "I'm sorry. I was wrong." -HAN SOLO

TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS SEQUEL TITLES
10. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugnaughts
9. A Fistful of Jedis
8. Yoda Rides Again
7. Yoda Goes Bananas
6. Yoda Goes to Monte Carlo
5. Aunt Beru's Fulfillment
4. Wookiee of the Year
3. Throw Jabba from the Train
2. Something Wicket this way Comes
...and the number one rejected STAR WARS Sequel title:
1. Revenge of the Jedi

TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS TOYS
10. Sarlacc-digested Boba Fett
9. Exploding Red Leader X-Wing
8. Visible Tauntaun
7. Oola's "House of Pleasure" Playset
6. Wookiee shaving kit
5. Exploding Alderaan playset
4. Belching Sarlacc monster
3. Princess Leia hair buns headphones
2. Dead Pilot assortment: Dack, Porkins, and Biggs
...and the number one rejected STAR WARS toy:
1. Luke's hand.

THE TOP TEN THINGS WE WANT TO HEAR MACE WINDU SAY IN EPISODES 2 AND 3:
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did, I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutley, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room.....accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're going to do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatoonie.
6. Feel the force, motherfucker.
5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of. Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What's the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
...and the number one thing we want Mace Windu to say:
1. Hand me my lightsaber....it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker".

THE TOP 15 STAR WARS EUPHEMISMS FOR MASTURBATION
15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14. Grooming the Wookie
13. Making the Kessel Run
12. Polishing Vader's Helmet
11. Evacuating Tatooine
10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9. Releasing the Special Edition
8. Jumping to Delight Speed
7. Communicating with Red Leader One
6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
...and the number one Star Wars Euphemism for Masturbation:
1. Test Firing the Death Star

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniel's during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father AND your uncle." Digg!



All Material Copyright 1998-2006 Movie Criticism for the Retarded.

For questions, comments, or the occasional stalking letter, send mail to Noel Wood. Please give proper credit when using any materials found within this site.


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