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Busted Tees

by Chad Shonk

I'm not talking pornos here. I'm talking about the best sex scenes in Hollywood films based on:

1. Titilation
2. Cinematography
3. The stars involved.

It also helps if it's important to the plot of the movie, but it isn't necessary.

10. James Spader and Deborah Kara Unger, CRASH.- The scene where the two of them are spoon-fucking is a very important scene in the film. It serves as a centerpiece between the first and second halves. It is also the first time Unger's character has an orgasm with her husband. All very important to the story. It's also an incredible graphic and lasts for like five minutes.

9. Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet, ANGEL HEART. - This movie got a lot of shit when it came out because Denise Huxtable got naked in it. But Alan Parker's New Orleans weird-fest is actually a cool thriller. And the sex scene is one of the most disturbing things in the movie. It starts out normal enough, but then it starts raining blood. Blood! Where is all the blood coming from? Soon the whole bed is covered in blood, there's all sorts of weird voodoo shit going on, and Mickey is having sex with a corpse that he begins to strangle.

8. Jeff Goldblum and Emma Thompson, THE TALL GUY. - I know, nobody's ever seen this movie but me. But this scene is important for a couple of reasons. First, it's got Emma Thompson in it, and that's something you don't see too often. Second, it's got Jeff Goldblum in it, and that's something you don't see too often. And lastly, most importantly, it's funny. This movie uses sex for comedy. It shows sex for what it is: sloppy, messy, unorganized, and a hell of a lot of fun. None of this deep soul searching shit.

7. Patricia Arquette and Balthazar Getty, LOST HIGHWAY. - At the end of this movie, the kid from YOUNG GUNS II and Alabama Worley get it on in the desert. 'Nuff said. Lynch lights the scene in beautiful white light, giving it an otherworldly quality. The scene isn't very erotic, but is important to Lynch's story, whatever that story is.

6. Malcolm McDowell and two dumb chicks, A CLOCKWORK ORANGE.- Talk about a funny fucking scene. The best part isn't the fact that they're playing it at triple speed while the William Tell overture plays over, even though that's funny. The best part is that while Alex is fucking one girl, the other gets dressed. then he undresses that girl and has sex with her while her friend's dressing. And so on and so on. That's really funny, especially at that speed.

5. Linda Hamilton and Michael Beihn, THE TERMINATOR.- I'm talking about the end of the second act where Sarah Connor has sex with Kyle from the future. This is a very important scene from the film as well as for T2. In fact, without this scene, there would be no Terminator films at all. Whether you were aware of it at the time or not, you were witnessing something important: The conception of John Connor. They tell you at the end, but you know that it's gotta be important because it's so out of place with the rest of the film.

4. Helen Hunt and Eric Stoltz, THE WATERDANCE.- This scene is herd to watch, but very moving. Hunt plays a wife whose natural urges are driving her crazy. Stoltz is her husband who has recently been paralyzed from the waist down. He no longer has sexual urges, but wants to satisfy her. It is a very dramatic scene that also has the first Helen Hunt nude scene. What would Paul say?

3. Dennis Hopper and Isabella Rossellini, BLUE VELVET.- "Baby wants to fuck" is right. I mean, how many people didn't freak their shit when they first saw this scene? Dennis Hopper hasn't been this good again ever. I like disturbing sex scenes because they're not only for titilation and if you find them erotic then there's something wrong with you.

2. Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas, BASIC INSTINCT. - Ignore the fact that this was a Verhoven film with an Eszterhaus script. This is a good scene. It's got it all. Sex. Nudity. Bondage. Oral sex. Four different positions. But what it also has is suspense. It's a suspense scene disguised as an explicit sex scene. That's actually kind of clever. When sharon Stone arches back while climaxing, I don't know if she's coming back with an ice pick or what. The music is sexy and suspenseful. I think that this is a good scene that deserves a better movie.

1. Tom Cruise and Kelly Preston, JERRY MAGUIRE.- I would never stop fucking her. Ever. This scene is funny as shit. Her yelling and the goofy look on Jerry's face. The dog watching. Naked Kelly Preston, for christ's sake! Other than the entertainment value of this scene, it is a quick and clever way to establish her character. This is the "classy babe" that Dorothy had just envisioned as Jerry's mate. We pretty much know all we need to know about Avery just from this scene. Plus it's really damn funny.


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