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HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION

2002, dir. Rick Rosenthal
94 min. Rated R.
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Brad Loree, Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks.

Review by Terry Baker

Do you Think They Still sell that white Halloween costume mask in Haddonfield? Just a thought.

Yeah, I watched Halloween Resurrection. Its the kind of thing your drunk wife and brother-in-law vote to watch at 3 in the morning. I was not an active participant in this vote, by the way. Sure, take my favorite all time slasher and ruin it. Ruin John Carpenter's beautiful masked franchise. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? They ruined it a long time ago. Resurrection should be the steely knife that gores what little dignity the Halloween franchise has left. I hope.

My biggest impression? I couldn't help but notice that Michael's signature mask looked a little different this time around. It appeared to have more contour, more cheekbone structure. I think I made mention of him vaguely resembling a young, Ziggy era David Bowie. The new improved mask also appeared to have some sort of make up or foundation on it. Maybe its just me. Maybe he's gotten self-conscious about his appearance. Technically, Mr. Myers would be 55 years old in this installment. Perhaps he felt the need to tart himself up a bit to hide the furrow that comes with age and savage murdering. Afterall, Mike has been shot, impaled, blown up, burned, and visciously mauled by an unruly mob of drunken Lutherans. (And shut up! Like you'd actually know he didn't get attacked by Lutherans. You stopped watching the franchise after part 4.). A guy has to look good for his victims, right? What then? Did he take a trip to the Haddonfield Mall to run into Spencer's Novelty store and buy a few more masks? Does he have an account with the distributor and gets replenished by the gross? There is no way in hell any Haddonfield, or any Smith Grove retailer would EVER sell one of those masks. Where in the hell is Mike getting more from?

Oh yeah, the movie. It was pathetic. What a shame to take a goofy premise and attach it to the franchise name. If you don't know, its about a group of retarded-ass kids that are supposed to hang out in the infamous Myers home and be broadcast live on the internet. Perhaps you have seen MTV's reality bullshit, "Fear". Something like that. These retards are supposed to be looking for clues as to why Michael brutally murdered? Now, call me stupid, but I believe Dr. Loomis had been rummaging that drawer for years! These assclowns are going to solve the psychological torment of Mike? Nah, they just want to smoke weed and get naked, like any good group of well adjusted young men and women of horror films. Shut up, get naked, and die. In that order.

My only curiosity in seeing this was for the casting of WHOO-HAAA Busta Rhymes. Boy, Busta breaks out some karate Shao Lin style and kicks up on Mr. Myers, thus, keeping him all in check. Shao lin style? I thought Busta was in Leaders of the New, not the damn Wu Tang. What tha dilly, yo? Seeing Busta disguised in the patented Myers attire, swearing like a homeboy was priceless, though. That scene should have been in the trailer. "Michael Myers breaks em' off somethin'. A new Halloween joint comin' to a Magic Johnson multiplex near you. Word". But, damn. Not even the multitalented Flip Mode leader could force me to enjoy it, ya heard.

Obviously, my drunken relatives must not have been entertained as hoped and managed to fall asleep, leaving me to enjoy this fine piece of shit all alone. They will never know the horror that is Halloween: Resurrection. Again, I realize that the Halloween franchise went down the crapper around the fourth or fifth installment, but damnit, it kills me everytime they release another one and drive it even further into the pit of bad movie hell. Please, Mr. Carpenter, make them stop. Put the poor, disturbed Michael to rest and spare the sleepy hamlet of Haddonfield, Illinois from yet another sequel of senseless death and filmmaking.

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