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by Bobby Jones

Man, I read some stupid shit today.

Where does Entertainment Weekly get their retarded film critics? Really, I think they picked up Owen Glieberman off the street somewhere. Then I read this review of DEEP RISING by Ty Burr. Man, this really takes the cake. Okay, so it's a horror movie that doesn't take itself seriously. Big Fucking Deal! Like this has never been done. EVIL DEAD, DEAD-ALIVE, the recent SCREAM movies. Who cares? Just because a horror movie decides it wants to be a little funny or quirky it doesn't mean it's a revelation. IT'S BEEN DONE.

That's one reason why I still don't get the SCREAM thing. Okay, so SCREAM makes fun of slasher movies. Now DEEP RISING makes fun of horror/sci-fi flicks. So What? Why does that make them so clever? I don't get it. To me it just makes them that much dumber. Do you really think that the guys who made the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE or NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movies were that serious to begin with? (Editors note: Yes, they were, at least in the beginning.) Get real!

But I digress. The real reason I'm writing this is because of something else Ty Burr said in his review. He compares some aspects of this film to the works of Howard Hawks.


"[DEEP RISING is] a tightly written, often howlingly funny ALIENS knockoff that, in its portrayal of tough men and tougher women under pressure, favorably recalls the work of Howard Hawks." Now I understand what Ty's saying, I really do, but you have to think that either while watching this movie or after watching it he said to himself, "gee, the tough characters in that movie kinda reminded me of Howard Hawks' films." WHAT? First off, that statement is so vague that it could apply to any movie that has a "tough" male lead as well as a "tough" female lead. STAR WARS, any of James Cameron's films, the INDIANA JONES trilogy, GROSSE POINTE BLANK, SPEED, even Jackie Chan's SUPERCOP. What kind of a bland, generic statement is that to make when in the next paragraph he compares TREMORS and THE RELIC and calls them "superior junk"?

This is what I hate about critics. They talk out of their ass and make shit up so it sounds like they know what they're talking about when in actuality they don't know shit. I know this because I do it myself. How do you think I got through all those High School and College English courses? But this guy slipped up. He went too far because this is the most retarded thing I've ever read from any film critic. Well, you know, the black men in chains from CON AIR really reminded me of the work of D.W. Griffith. Whatever.


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