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2003, dir. Shawn Levy
95 min. Rated PG-13.
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy.

Review by Noel Wood
Here, I'm going to attempt to review the triumphant soon-to-be comedy classic JUST MARRIED. I say "attempt" because unlike most of the films I review here on the site, I haven't actually seen JUST MARRIED. Well, at least not all of it. I made a sincere attempt to see JUST MARRIED, I just didn't finish. Wait, I take that back too. I did see the end of it. I just missed a good sized chunk of the middle of it as I fell asleep with my head on my girlfriend's stomach. And while the ribbing I took from her regarding the tiny puddle of drool I left on her shirt was about ten times more funny than anything I saw in the movie itself, I still will attempt to review this comedy sensation.

Firstly (is firstly a word? I mean, really, is it? I know that I hold some pretension that I have some masterful command of the English language, but i currently have no dictionary or web access to look it up to make sure. Firstly just looks weird. Speaking of weird, weird is a weird word too.) I would like to apologize for my lack of updates lately. Part of this is due to the fact that I have been working a job that doesn't allow me as much time to write while on the clock (not that I would ever condone such a thing, and not like I'm typing this right now during a lull at the job,) but I am preparing to leave this job for another. The main reason I haven't updated is just plain lack of time. I've been a busy little camper the last few weeks, and my downtime is generally spent doing a whole lot of nothing. I haven't seen as many movies lately, but I am planning to see a handful of Summer blockbusters here in the next few weeks, so hopefully I will have some new material for my legions of adoring fans soon.


Or something like that.

Anyway, back to JUST MARRIED. Or, as I like to call it, DUDE, WHERE'S MY WIFE?. This is a humorless little movie starring Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy, two of the hottest young stars in the Hollywood community, both of whom seem about as intelligent as that same puddle of drool I mentioned earlier. Kutcher, you may recall, has been parading around as the stupid kid on That 70's Show for the past six years or so, as well as starring as the stupid guy from DUDE, WHERE"S MY CAR and playing the stupid host of MTV's Punk'd. Hewas once heavily rumored as the lead in the upcoming SUPERMAN movie, and is now heavily rumored to be featured in the next BATMAN sequel, and I am heavily rumored to be wanting to stab my eyeballs if that happens. Murphy, who has obviously done a touch-up job on that nose of hers since her starmaking turn in CLUELESS, is best known for being typecast as Eminem's ho in 8 MILE and as a lesbian inmate in FREEWAY. They play a couple who, as the title might imply, have just been hitched. They're returning from their honeymoon, where things apparently were not so kosher. And then we find out that the whole movie is about to be told in flashback, and in fact, these two aren't yet married in a moment, although they are now. For the slow people, this might get confusing. I'm sure it confused the actors.


So anyway, this is the story of the happy couple, Tom and Sarah. He is a sports freak who does the traffic reports on an AM station's graveyard shift, she is the daughter of a big time sports franchise owner. They meet in a bar, and then they shoot pool, and then they have sex. Creepily enough, the theme from Smallville plays as they meet, which is really fucking scary considering the Kutcher Superman rumor. They do the typical twentysomething courtship dance, which involves him killing her dog and lying about it, and then they decide to get married. Of course, her parents aren't too thrilled, because they had fancied her to marry someone more like Peter, one of those young hotshot business guys with broad shoulders who wear tight blazers and make that stupid little gun thing with their fingers.

So then they get hitched, and they head off for their honeymoon in Europe. Hilarity ensues, as they get kicked out of a hotel in France, then get caught up in a snowbank in Italy, and then, and then...


I remember having dreams about what happened next. Okay, not really. I crashed hard. The movie was so dull and unfunny it put me right the fuck out into a comalike state. I haven't had the urge to sleep so much while watching a film since Darren Aronofsky's massively overrated PI. But yeah, this thing zonked me. It was pretty good that such a thing happened, because I was closing in on my sixth straight day at work, and was into a sleep deficit of about thirteen hours.


So then I woke up. And the happy couple are all pissed at each other, and the Peter guy is in Europe galavanting around with Sarah, and Tom is about to get jiggy with some really ugly and annoying chick he met at a club. And then they go home, and are all talking about how it's over between them, and then, as if you couln't see it coming from a mile away, decide that underneath it all, they really do love each other and they get back together and all is well and happily ever after the end.

I asked my girlfriend what I missed in the hour or so that I was out cold, and she explained it to me, and I realized that I didn't actually miss anything after all. So in actuality, I saw enough of the movie.

Now, I heard this was a comedy. Maybe I actually did miss something, because I really didn't see much of that whole comedy element in the movie. I mean, comedies usually rely on jokes and situational humor. This movie is written like a romantic drama, except with someone being hit in the head or face once every five to ten minutes. Where I come from, that's not called comedy. It's called suck. And that's what I've surmised about this movie: It's full of suck.

So, whatever you do, take it from someone who missed most of JUST MARRIED, and don't see it. Unless, of course, you really get a kick out of seeing people get hit in the head. Or in the event that you really need a nap. It worked for me in that regard.


All Material Copyright 1998-2006 Movie Criticism for the Retarded.

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