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i'm sorry

By Justin Patterson
Justin dropped me this batch of roughly 37,427 haikus one morning and I was still halfway asleep so I decided to go ahead and post them, unaware of any potential repurcussions. This is his first contribution to the site, other than being a longtime heckler.

You take care of things
Seeing to the needs of kin
Panty on yore haid

Ted "Theodore" Logan
Neo hates his past
Dangerous Liaisons blew
Go "whoa" somewhere else.

18 Soon
We hail the return
Wholesomeness in film is back
Olsens, turn eighteen!

In Loving Worship
Above average
Fat, balding Jew Ron makes good
The Hedgehog is God.

Sweet Ass-Chin
Rose McGowan smokes
In a just world, my nose plays
Ping Pong with her breasts

Why is it so wrong
Watching the Professional
Portman gives us wood

Raul, not Uncle Duke
A once great actor -
Kiss of the Spider Woman!
Street Fighter gravestone.

Jay Sherman Rocks
Wells, Citizen Kane -
What strange twists of fate? -
ends as Unicron.

In Depp Shit
"Winona Forever"
Ryder is a poor tattoo
Cleaned up for all time

Though Ricci is butch -
John Waters films put aside -
Wednesday's still just hot.

Film At Eleven
Bronkowitz is God
Big Jim Slade helps make whoopee
Catholics are fun!

Jesus Hates Bald Pussy
Edward Scissorhands
Feels the stirrings of manhood
Free shaves, Winona!

Paul Reubens Approves
Swanson did Playboy
Gellar hooks all the young boys
Which Buffy's better?

The Freak Vote
Bill Murray or Depp?
Peter Boyle or del Toro?
Doctor Gonzo LIVES.

American Wedding
Too much of Stifler
My love of dick jokes aside
Tell him "Less is more."

The movie star knows
Smarter guys are better lays
Just ask Maryann

Old School
Okay, just one drink
Running naked, I feel drafts
Frank the Tank is back!

The Duke
The Saint of Killers
Who could stand before that gaze?
Fuck cancer, pilgrim.

Loni, Come Back
Smokey and Bandit
Sally Field, she looked okay
Until I looked twice

Bond Girls
Famke Janssen steamed
Halle spoke like ghetto trash
Give me the redhead

Wild Things
Richards and Campbell
Way beyond Matt Dillon's league
Fuck the Outsiders!

Mary's Missing Something
Cameron Diaz?
Thora Birch just has it all
Mary has no ass

Hello, in there, hello. . . . .
Once, I ate out Madonna
What's with the echo?

"No-talent ass clown" -Michael Bolton
Vin Diesel is bald
If being bald is so great
Baby balls must rock

Connery was it
Lazenby floored a P.A.
Pierce Brosnan must go

Chad Shonk went native
Gnoll is in the ATL
God, the suburbs suck

Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun
Radner, Belushi,
Madeline Kahn and Farley
Who let Kattan live?

Idle, Palin, SPAM
Graham had your python right here!
Cleese inherits world.

When the Rock isn't on steroids
Schneider, the Hot Chick
A real man would have used his
She did not see yours

It's Costner's life's work
Tom Petty's a better act
Stop paying Costner!

Turkish Prisons
Dear Lawrence, "the trick. . . .
is not minding that it hurts"
Lawrence was buggered.

Governor Ahh-nold
He says, "I'll be back."
Hasta la vista, baby!
Just don't ask questions.

The Whole Ten Yards
Jimmy the Tulip
Like it or not, he's back. Where's
David Addison?

So you're just a kid
Why bother with Ripley when
Lilith gives it up?

Bulletproof Monk
You became a god
never kicking, just hurling lead
Hand that feeds you? Yum!

Fading Glory
Kevin Kline's wife?
Think Fast Times At Ridgemont High.
Climb out of the pool.

Judge Dredd
Schneider and Stallone
I AM the law, you fucker!
Bills need to be paid.

You WERE funny
Once, Axel Foley
said "Merry Christmas, dammit!"
Now, Daddy Day Care.

Fearing my food prep
You show me the easy way
God bless the Oster

Cook County behind
You're on a mission from God
Do Carrie Fisher.

Fat fuck, Private Pyle
What's Gary's velocity?
Seven point six two. . . . .

Six Degrees and all
Screw Ali and Bagger Vance
Some more Bruckheimer!!!

Lori Petty
You can hit a ball,
change oil and drive a tank but
In the Army Now?

Dear Captain Howdy,
Why does it hurt when I pee?
Is this your lesson?

Yes, you found the One
Lose the fuckin' baby fat!
Go kill Martin Sheen.

Tara Reid
Yes, it's a problem.
Do you fuck on the first date?
Have another drink.

They will never know
as long as you are so shy
You have just one leg.

You are so well-known
Dare we think you're not acting?
You're a psycho.

Bulworth was so sad
At last, you're paying for it
Halle's faking it.

Kevin Smith, theologian
Alanis Morrisette
You beg the question, What if
God smoked cannabis?

Chris Tucker
Jackie and Owen
not bad, but promise no work
with Rosie Perez.

Jim Carrey, Bruce Almighty
Fluff guy can't do news
Stick to what you're good at, Jim
Alllllrighty, then, eh?

Kate Hepburn
African Queen rocked
You stayed skinny so long now
Can't get food to mouth?

I'm no role model
I fuck Uma on the side
You wish you were me?

Ashton pays weekly
He's hung like a wee infant
I am just for show.

Brittany Murphy
What has done more harm?
Smoking, or kneeling for all
of those movie parts?

Kentucky Fried Movie
Moscow is in flames
Missiles headed for New York
Film at eleven.

She's not just a ship
She's a transformer! Sir, she's
gone from suck to blow!

Tito and Tarantula
Salma takes it off
Only the snake gets any
still, the band plays on


All Material Copyright 1998-2006 Movie Criticism for the Retarded.

For questions, comments, or the occasional stalking letter, send mail to Noel Wood. Please give proper credit when using any materials found within this site.

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