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MOOVY TURMS: DEFINITIONS FOR THE RETARDED
HACK

Webster's Definition:
HACK [hak']n. A horse for hire; an old worn out horse; a literary drudge.

Movie Definition:
HACK [fu'king hak']n. A director for hire; a studio director with questionable talent; a talentless filmmaker who gets a lucky break; a once heralded director that now stoops to doing the latest John Grisham movie.

The following contains only current, living directors and are in no specific order:

COOL HACKS: Tony Scott, Ridley Scott, Harold Ramis, Robert Zemeckis, Wolfgang Petersen, Barry Levinson, Barry Sonnenfeld, Edward Zwick, John Turtletaub, Alan Parker, Wes Craven, Amy Heckerling, Peter Weir, Richard Donner, Ron Howard, Nora Ephron, Penelope Spheeris, James L. Brooks.

HACKS THAT SHOULD DIE: Joel Schumacher, Paul Verhoven, Renny Harlin, Phil Jonau, Jan DeBont, Brian DePalma, Michael Bay, Simon West, Kevin Reynolds, Charles Russel, Roland Emmerich, Andrew Bergman, Garry Marshall.

PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE HACKS BUT AIN'T: James Cameron, Steven Spielberg, Mike Figgis, John Landis, Luc Besson, David Fincher, Michael Mann, Kathryn Bigelow.

PEOPLE THAT DON'T LOOK LIKE HACKS BUT REALLY ARE: Robert Altman, Francis Ford Coppola, John Schlesinger, John Frankenheimer, William Friedkin, Richard Attenborough, Bob Rafelson, Milos Forman.

PEOPLE WHO COULD NEVER BE HACKS BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ENOUGH FILMS: George Lucas, Terence Malick, Cameron Crowe, Gus Van Sant, Abel Ferrara.

HACKS WITH IRONIC NAMES:Taylor HACKford.

PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT NOW NOR EVER WILL BE HACKS: Joel Coen, Martin Scorcese, Richard Linklater, David Cronenberg, John Woo, Jim Jarmusch, John Sayles, Sam Raimi, Spike Lee, Albert Brooks, The Hughes Brothers, John Singleton, James Ivory, Woody Allen, Steven Soderbergh, Jane Campion, Terry Gilliam, Tobe Hooper, Oliver Stone, Quentin Tarantino, Alison Anders, David Lynch.

PEOPLE CAUGHT IN LIMBO BECAUSE THE WRITERS CAN'T AGREE: Tim Burton.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Tim Burton is caught in Limbo because when Chad first compiled this list he placed him on the "People that don't look like hacks but are" list. This outraged Bobby and myself to the point of us not including him on any of the lists. Rather than transcribe all of the arguments made by the three of us, including a film-by-film analysis of Burton's work by yours truly, let's just see the final closing statement: "The now-legendary "Tim Burton/hack" debate is over. I don't want to hear about it anymore or you're all fired. I don't think anyone out there is going to want to hear us argue amongst ourselves. I'm sure they'd rather argue with us instead. As far as this list goes I can live with it right now. If there are any further complaints please address them to me and we will discuss them as a committee rather than resorting to guerilla tactics as we have recently been using. I'm sorry, mom. I'm really sorry. And with no further adieu we will now continue on to MOVIE CRITICISM FOR THE RETARDED."

You really had to have been there.

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All Material Copyright 1998-2006 Movie Criticism for the Retarded.

For questions, comments, or the occasional stalking letter, send mail to Noel Wood. Please give proper credit when using any materials found within this site.


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