THE COUNTRY BEARS 2002, dir. Peter Hastings 88 min. Rated G. Starring: Haley Joel Osment, Diedrich Bader, James Gammon, Candy Ford. Review by Terry Baker

I bet the Country Bears would kick my lame ass live. They are musicians, and BEARS! I’ve seen a lot of shows in my time, but I have never seen a bunch of bears kick out the jams. I hope the Country Bears come to a venue near me.

Shut the fuck up! I like animals. I like music. That’s a winning combo in my book. Tell me Lancelot Link didn’t kick the ass end off of you!

Oh, I should tell you about the movie, I guess. The main bear has the unfortunate luck of being named “Beary Barrington”. He was raised by humans since birth. That’s normal enough. You know, things all 10 year old bears that live with humans do. All is fine in the Barrington household until Beary realizes that something just isn’t right. Oh shit! He realizes he’s maybe an oh, hmmm….A BEAR! This starts our fantastic journey of enlightenment. If you want enlightenment, you go to Tennessee. See, there are lots of bears in Tennessee. Beary meets these other bears. Those bears were in a band and used to rock the party right, but they broke up.

Shit, you don’t care. Beary finds out who he is. He’s a Bear. He’s a Country Bear. He gets the band to reunite. They rock. The save a concert hall. They Rock some more. They are BEARS and they continue to ROCK!

Pros:
Stephen Root does a voice.
Brian Setzer has a great solo
John Hiatt.
Bears play instruments

I only had to hear that annoying Haley Joel kid.

Cons:
That annoying Haley Joel kid.
The premise is based on a Disney attraction. (Disney makes the bad happen.)

Verdict: Bear rock.

Shut up, I was bored.