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He's been in RED DAWN and STEEL DAWN. He's the one and only. Here we attempt to JUSTIFY THE WORK OF PATRICK SWAYZE.
We enjoy movies
That is why we review them
In haiku format.
Sometimes it's just hard the tell the difference between certain films. We try to help make that decision by COMPARISON SHOPPING.
In our relentless quest to make Kevin Smith a better man, our Karma runs over his DOGMA.
South Park creators Try Parker and Matt Stone serve up a stinker of a new sport called BASEKETBALL, and a movie to go with it.
From the mind of David Lynch comes the confusing LOST HIGHWAY. Funny how secrets travel...
Put a bunch of dumb college kids in the woods with some cameras and what do you get? Whatever it is, it probably is less entertaining than THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.
Some kid named Dildo gets shipped off to boarding school and hooks up with that chick Chad thinks is hot in OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE.
Holy shit! A Talking Pig! How the hell did they do that? Here's a look at BABE: A PIG IN THE CITY.
In this movie, two young girls get their first experience with DICK. Let the double-entendres ensue.
Take a bunch of retards, swirl together, add Janeane Garofalo, and the end result is MYSTERY MEN.
In what started out as something called the Bill Knight Project, Bobby, Chad, and Noel attempt to figure out what the hell BARTON FINK is all about.
Here's a movie with a really annoying title whose plot centers around Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. It's called I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.
Sometimes when you work long, boring days at a video store, you start to hallucinate. At least that's my theory on AND THE WINNER IS...
What would be cooler than a live-action movie based on the popular toy series G.I.JOE? Well, a lot of things. But that doesn't stop us from doing a CASTING CALL FOR G.I. JOE THE MOVIE.
Wanna see a small sampling of just what made our minds as warped as they really are? Check out the OBSERVATIONS OF A VIDEO STORE CLERK.
No movie is complete without one of the big three Hollywood stereotypes: RETARDS, REDNECKS, AND GAYS. Here's some of the cream of the crop in those fields.
Bobby attempts to expose the retardoscity of some of the nation's "respected" critics in a piece he lovingly refers to as PUMP YOUR COOKIES IN A CAT.
As long as there are animals, there will be animal movies. Join us as we determine the BEST AND WORST of this time-honored cultural tradition.
Contrary to popular belief, there is more repugnant shit in the world than Joel Schumacher films. HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT THEY ARE.

All Material Copyright 1998-2004 Movie Criticism for the Retarded.

For questions, comments, or the occasional stalking letter, send mail to Noel Wood. Please give proper credit when using any materials found within this site.